


Falling in Love (Apart)

by msinformed13



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, College AU, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorder, F/F, Fluff, Overdose, Self Harm, broken Regina, emma is a nugget, regina has mommy issues, regina needs a hug, swanqueen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-19 17:13:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11317965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msinformed13/pseuds/msinformed13
Summary: "What Emma says is, "I can't do this." What Emma means is 'I can't do this with you.' She says, "This hurts too much." What she means is 'you are hurting me too much.'" AU College Swan Queen, angsty.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have two disclaimers for you. First, this story will not be updated every day as my last two have been (it probably won't even be regular, sorry!). And second, this will be angsty with a capital ANGST, there will be warnings later on, and I'll make sure to preface anything so you know what to expect.

They met in what would seem to be the typical way that lesbians meet in college and in the short years following.

Emma began dating one of her exes. The girl herself was nothing short of a vapid narcissist, but Emma and Regina had both been sucked in by what (they agreed upon years later) was a mix of strong alcohol, loud music, and the woman's intoxicating personality.

Emma fondly referred to the woman as 'Glenn Close, circa 1987'.

But for the evening, Melanie has dragged Emma to a club she's never been to before. The whole club thing isn't really Emma's scene, but it had good alcohol, they don't card (it's a college town, how else are they supposed to make money), and the music isn't too bad all things considered.

They're somewhere between their third and fourth overpriced drinks when suddenly, Melanie freeze with her glass lifted halfway to her mouth and her eyes trained on a group of women across the club.

Her face twists into a scowl, and Emma responds. It's never been exactly hard to read the redhead's emotions, and tonight is no different, "What's wrong, Mel?"

"She's here."

The venom with which Melanie spat the two words leaves Emma without a question that the 'she' must be an 'ex' and glancing across the bar to where her girlfriend's attention was diverted, Emma quickly runs through all of the exes that Melanie's complained about.

There's Cassandra, and Jennine, but Emma knows both of them so she would have recognized them by now. Then there's Anna, Blake, and Simone, but as far as Emma knows, they're all out of the area either at a distant university or studying abroad for the semester. Looking more critically at the group of women in the far corner, one name swam to the surface of Emma's mind.

Regina.

Her eyes flitted to her girlfriend for a moment, long enough to see that Melanie just finished the rest of her drink and is now sullenly looking out towards the dance floor where she would inevitably drag Emma back to soon enough. For the moment, she recalls everything Melanie had told her about Regina while she double checks the group for a brunette.

According to Melanie, Regina was unreadable to a new dimension. She had high expectations (for herself and those around her), was academically superior (and knew it), had a bad self loathing streak, and was, as Melanie so affectionately put it, 'seriously fucked up'.

However, since there was no bright sign proclaiming these traits over any of the other women in the club, Emma has to settle on the fact that there were two brunettes in the group Melanie had been scowling at, and one appears to be Asian or possibly Mediterranean and thus was not the woman she was looking for.

"Emma?" The redhead asks, snapping her fingers before Emma's face in a gesture that was quickly grating on a nerve.

"I'm sorry, what did you say, babe?" Emma asks in retaliation. She knows how much Melanie hates it when she used pet names like that, and it just encouraged her to use them more.

"Dance with me?"

Though it was phrased as a question, Emma knows she has no choice but to down the remainder of her drink, shoot a lingering glance at the back of the brunette that just had to be Regina Mills, and follow her girlfriend into the writhing pit of bodies that dared call itself a dance floor.

In no time at all, Melanie finds (read: creates) a small space for them, and they join the amorphous blob moving to the upbeat song the DJ is remixing. Emma allows herself to get lost in the movement, appreciating this side of Melanie far more than the caddy true character of the woman that was beginning to appear more and more lately. They only leave the dance floor later in the evening (or was it earlier in the morning at this point) when Melanie proclaims the need for more alcohol and Emma scopes out a table for them to post up at for the moment.

It is from there that she manages to spot the brunette she had been looking for earlier. Emma sees the woman in arresting profile as Regina smiles at the blonde beside her. There is something about Regina that Emma flounders for a way to describe. The word 'lovely' comes to mind, but it seems too light and too esoteric. Too soft for the hard line of the woman's jaw.

For a moment, Emma is caught disconcertingly off balance. She's an English major, she would language for a living, for Christ's sake, and yet she can't find a word or turn of phrase to describe the woman she sees before her.

She finally settles on 'striking'. Liking the dual nature of the image, thinking of cavemen striking rocks together and seeing sparks for the first time.

"The bar is completely swamped." Melanie says, sidling up next to Emma, and handing her a drink.

"Mhm." Emma acknowledges her girlfriend shortly.

The redhead mistakes Emma's lack of interest as god knows what else, but for whatever reason she doesn't take offense to it, "God she's still here."

Emma raises an eyebrow in question, hoping that Melanie will elaborate. Thankfully, she does, "Regina hated coming here when we were dating."

"So that's her then?" Emma asks nodding at the brunette who now is shaking her head as two men approached the table, loaded down with shots.

"The one and only." Melanie confirms.

Emma watches in vague amazement as Regina swallows the clear liquid without a single bit of a wince, and no chaser. It's simultaneously intimidating and sexy as hell.

And then, Emma is frozen by the most intense brown gaze she's ever seen. Regina quirks an eyebrow before turning away and looking back at her own table.

She says something that Emma can't hear, and the table erupted in laughter. One of the blondes pushes Regina on the arm, and she takes the momentum, continuing to walk (more like saunter) across the club.

She stops in front of the table, and Emma could practically feel the anger vibrating off her girlfriend, "Melanie, it's lovely to see you again." Regina says, and god, Emma could die at that voice. It's low and rich, and Emma can physically feel it rolling down her spine.

"You as well." Melanie smiles.

"And you must be Emma."

If Emma thought she could die at just hearing Regina's voice, hearing the brunette say her name is something else entirely.

"I'm getting another drink." Melanie says, and Emma knows she wants her to come along, but she doesn't.

The second Melanie leaves, Regina makes her move, "So what's your story?"

"Excuse me?"

Regina smiles, and it's this white cheshire cat grin that Emma's equally in awe of, and afraid of, "You're a young, seemingly intelligent, clearly attractive woman. What are you doing here with a nightmare like Melanie?"

Emma doesn't know if it's the most honest question she's heard all week, or an extensive ploy to get her to break up with the redhead. Either way, she is caught off guard.

She regains her bearings soon enough, but even years later she can't quite coherently explain how she made it from the club to Regina's dorm room. She remembers Melanie snapping her fingers in front of her face again being the final straw. She remembers being briefly introduced to Regina's group of friends before a short cab ride filled with roaming hands and lips. She remembers how Regina tasted like gin and something inexplicable she would identify years later as saddness.

What she'll never forget is waking up naked in Regina's dorm room entirely alone. The only trace that Regina acknowledges her existence is a quick note scrawled on a paper left on the desk.

It reads- I have a seminar that ends at 11, there's a 10:30 Senate Bus that makes a circuit from Dartmouth to all the surrounding colleges. I've left 10 dollars, that ought to be enough for your bus ticket and a coffee.

From that, Emma gathers two things, Regina doesn't remember her name (or what college she went to), and she expects her gone by the time she got back.

Emma doesn't miss the bus, and before she gets on, she buys a coffee like Regina had suggested, dumping the rest of the 10 dollars in the tip jar. On the bus she writes, she doesn't have any paper so she uses a broken pen she found on the floor of the bus and writes on her empty cup.

She writes about how storms are named after people.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, slight mentions of an eating disorder. But nothing explicit quite yet.

The next time Emma sees her was two days later at a frat party. It's a Monday evening, and University of New Hampshire has a long weekend (for Spring Open Campus) so Emma doesn't have to worry about classes the next day, but she knows for a fact that it's not the same for Dartmouth.

However, being hungover in class the next morning seems to be the last thing on Regina's mind because when Emma sees her, she's pressed up against the wall by a tall redhead with an alternative lifestyle hair cut.

Emma does her best to not stare, but she keeps an eye on the brunette for as long as she can until she sees Regina detach herself from the redhead and wander off in the direction of the kitchen. When she does, Emma can't help but follow.

"Hey." She smiles, leaning against a counter and trying to appear as casual as possible.

That seems not to matter though as the brunette turns around, fresh drink already in hand, her pupils completely blown. Emma has to hold back the urge to react, Regina was high, on what, the blonde has no idea, but it doesn't really seem to matter.

"Hello." Regina says, her voice has this airy quality that chills Emma.

The blonde has no idea what to say, instead, she just turns on her heel and walks out of the kitchen as quickly as she can, not stopping until she is on the back patio.

This woman is so different from the Regina that Emma met at the club, she can't help but wonder which one is real, and which is the fake. She will learn later that neither is it.

She leans her elbows on the railing, dropping her head in them. Emma has known this woman for less than a week, and she's already getting to her. She hears the patio door open before sliding shut again. Even steps track across the wood and Emma thinks of metronomes, beating an even cadence.

The steps stop, "People like Regina don't come with warning labels."

Emma lifts her head. Standing next to her, leaning against the railing is one of the blondes from the night at the club. Emma identifies her as the one who had pushed Regina just before she came over to talk with Melanie.

"Excuse me?"

"Regina, she's been my best friend since before I can remember, and she's not good. Not in the conventional way at least, and since she doesn't come with warning labels, I've got to be it."

Emma tries to remember the woman's name, but she draws a blank, "Why are you telling me this?"

"It's been a rough year, Regina's been on a string of one night stands more comprehensive than her college transcript. And you're the only one who's come back."

"And?" Emma has had too much to drink already, and she can't connect the dots, though she doubts with Regina, they would line up anyway.

"And you shouldn't anymore."

"I'm sorry, who are you?"

"Right, I'm Kathryn Nolan." The blonde says, smiling slightly and sipping lightly from her red cup.

Emma takes one look at the woman's quirked lips, and decides to take her warning at face value, "Emma Swan."

"I know exactly who you are."

"Of course you do."

Kathryn swirls the rest of her cheap beer around the cup before finishing the drink in one long swallow, "Look, I know you don't know me, but I know Regina, and trust me, it's better to get out now before."

"Before what?"

"Before you fall in love with her."

Emma gives Kathryn one long side look out of her half glazed eyes, she thinks about the semester of Greek Mythology she took her freshman year. About the unconditional 'storge' love that parents have for their children, friends have for eachother. She thinks of Icarus flying too close to the sun, and she recognizes the heartache in Kathryn's eyes that she couldn't keep Regina from falling into the sea.

.

Four days later, Emma is running (read wheezing) through the park near her campus. She comes to a grinding halt near a park bench where she bends over, holding the back of the bench while she gasps deep breaths, trying to regain a normal heart rate.

Just as she is getting ready to continue on, a figure from the edge of her vision catches her attention. A brunette, moving at a quick clip, heading right in Emma's direction. It takes a couple of seconds for Emma to identify the woman as Regina.

When she does, she pushes off the bench and begins jogging again. Emma goes strategically slowly enough that Regina will catch up to her soon, and quickly enough that it doesn't look like she's an invalid.

In mere moments, Regina is upon her. Emma adjusts her speed accordingly to continue alongside the brunette.

Regina shoots an annoyed look out of the corner of her eye before she realizes who she is running with.

Suddenly, Regina stops dead, causing Emma to nearly slip in her attempt to do the same.

The brunette doesn't say anything, just glares at Emma, causing her to break, "Lovely morning." Emma tries with a smile.

"What do you want?"

"How about a date?"

"I don't date."

Emma looks at the brunette critically, "What about Melanie?"

Regina laughs, it's low and humorless, "That was a long time ago, and I didn't date Melanie so much as I went on dates with her."

"Then go on dates with me."

Emma insists with a determined smile.

"Fine."

It's the happiest that single word has ever made her. Phone numbers are exchanged, and tentative plans are made. It isn't until Emma watches Regina turn and jog away that she does some quick mental calculations. The park is just a mile away from campus at the University of New Hampshire, and UNH is five miles away from Dartmouth. Assuming Regina has started her run at her dorm, she has gone just about six miles by the time Emma had run into her, and she still has six miles to go until she returns home.

Emma loved the feeling of complete and utter emptiness that always welcomed her at the end of her four mile Saturday jogs, she can only imagine how empty Regina must feel by the time she gets back to her dorm.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings as last chapter (slight mentions of an eating disorder, but nothing too explicit.)

Their relationship is horrible, and explosive, but great all at the same time. Emma thinks of the supernovae, stars that get so hot that they explode, leaving layers throughout space to cool for eons to come.

They do the weekend thing, first at Regina's dorm, then Emma's bouncing back and forth. Emma seamlessly moves the from 'going on dates' to 'dating' in a move so quick Regina doesn't realize it until it's too late. At which point she doesn't even try and complain, because dating Emma is unlike dating anyone else.

One particular weekend in March, Emma finally convinces Regina to have a lazy Sunday in bed. Though 'lazy' means entirely different things for each woman.

Regina scoffs when Emma initially suggests a movie streaming marathon, but the blonde manages to wear her down by saying that they can take turns picking. One and a half movies in (Emma started them off with 'Love Actually'), and the blonde is comfortably snuggled into Regina's dorm room bed, holding her girlfriend from behind while they watch 'The Hours' (Regina's pick) on her laptop, balancing on the desk.

In the middle of one of Meryl Streep's rants, Emma's stomach rumbles loudly, Regina chuckles slightly at the sound.

Emma joins in the laughter, "Do you have any snacks?"

"Unfortunately no."

"Nothing at all?"

"Nothing." Regina confirms, wiggling in closer to Emma's embrace, her eyes still trained on the screen ahead of her.

"Not even some weird disgusting organic stuff?" The blonde tries, knowing how healthily Regina normally eats.

"I take offense to that."

"You know what I mean." Emma dismisses, "So you don't keep any food at all in your dorm room?"

"None."

Emma's mouth drops open slightly in amazement, she herself has enough food stored up in her room to last for the winter, if not the next three winters. Regina rolls over, nose to nose with the blonde knowing that Emma wouldn't drop the topic until she had a suitable answer.

"Why don't you keep any food here?"

"The dining hall is a short walk."

"You hate the dining hall." Emma accuses.

"That's true."

Emma falls quiet a moment as she goes through the conversation in her head. She had watched Regina strategically build salads in the dining hall each time they went, she saw the large nalgene water bottle Regina always seemed to have with her and filled.

Emma is afraid, of both the implications in what their short conversation has revealed, and of the hollow look in Regina's eyes. So she does the only thing she can, she pushes Regina's shoulder to roll her onto her back, and captures the brunette's lips in a fierce kiss.

Emma hooks her fingers in the side's of Regina's running shorts and panties, pulling them down roughly while Virginia Woolf drowns.

**.**

Their relationship has its good times as well, like when the weather finally begins to warm up and New Hampshire grows green again. Emma manages to drag Regina out to the main green of the University of New Hampshire.

The grass is full of students taking a break from studying, some playing frisbee, others just relaxing on blankets they've dragged out from dorm rooms. That's what Regina and Emma are doing. Regina is lying on her stomach, looking disgustingly graceful in her J-Crew tank top and khaki shorts while Emma is her usual ungainly self, spread diagonally across the entire blanket with her blonde hair in a wild mane, with some grass already mixing in.

"What are you reading?" Emma asks, lifting up enough to try and catch a glimpse of the cover.

"Rand."

She shifts the book for Emma to see the white and red of the cover. Emma recognizes it vaguely as one of the books normally stacked up on the brunette's desk.

Emma merely hums in acknowledgement, leaning back to take in more sun as the two sit in silence for a while.

"I'm thinking of cutting my hair short." Regina says, out of the blue.

"Your hair is short."

"I mean shorter."

"Oh." Emma props herself up on her elbows to regard the brunette, "I think you'd look sexy either way." She decides.

Moments after the words are out of Emma's mouth, Regina is in motion, marking her place in her book, and placing it down on the blanket. She carefully crawls over Emma to sit straddling her lap, "Oh really?"

Emma's mouth runs dry at the change in position, but she isn't protesting, "Yeah, really."

"Well that's good." Regina smirks craning her neck down to catch Emma's smiling lips.

They kiss there, in the middle of the green with the heat of the sun beating down on them. Emma pretends not to notice the bone press of Regina's hips as they fit against her own. Years later, she will wish that she had the courage then to say something then, but in that second, Emma just tires to capture everything about the moment in living color.

Everything with Regina has such a fleeting quality, even in the beginning, Emma knows better than to expect permanence.

When Regina pulls back briefly, her smile is the same sad one that Emma's learnt quite easily to identify, _"_ _You're much worse than a bitch. You're a saint._ _"_ She whispers, holding a soft palm to Emma's cheek before resuming their kiss.

Because Emma's a literature major, and because she wants to minor in philosophy despite how much she knows it's entirely frivolous, she knows the quote. And she kisses Regina back with so much reverence, tasting the despair between Regina's teeth, and trying to convince herself that this too is temporary.

.

"I don't know, it's different. She's different." Emma shrugs, halfway through a coffee she's picked up from the dining hall. She's slowly collecting her own stash of stolen dining hall silverware and dishes, this makes her second stolen spoon and first mug.

"A good different?" Her father asks. Emma has her phone held against her ear as she makes her way back to her dorm room.

"I'm not sure. I mean, she's different from anyone I've ever met."

Emma hears some distinct shuffling around on the other end of the line before her mother's voice comes over the phone, "Are you bringing her home on summer break?"

The blonde laughs, "Mom, we've been dating for like two weeks."

"Well I want to meet her."

"You want to meet everyone." She can imagine her mother rolling her eyes on the other end of the phone, "Can I talk to Dad again?"

"You never want to talk to me anymore." Mary Margaret practically whines, and Emma supresses a groan of annoyance.

"I just talked to you, Ma. What do you want to talk about?"

"Nothing when you're in such a huff."

"I'm not in a huff!"

"Whatever you say, dear."

Moments later, and a tiny amount of shuffling, and Emma hears her father's amused voice back on the other end of the phone, "What's up, Ems?"

"It's Regina."

"About how she's different?"

"Yeah." Emma pauses as she slips her key into the lock on her door and twists it open, "She's sad. In a way that I've never seen someone sad before."

Emma hears her father on the other end of the phone sigh deeply, "Ems, you've got to be careful."

"I know."

"Alright." He knows that his daughter didn't. Not fully at least, but he knows that she chose to talk to him instead of his wife about this for a reason. Because he used to have an older brother.

He knows that even when you weren't a sibling anymore, you still _were_.

"I don't know what to do."

David smiles, it's not often that he hears his daughter admit that, "Count to ten."

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Count to twenty."

Emma laughs, and it feels good. Like stones being taken away.

"And Emma?"

"Yeah."

"Take care of yourself."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regina will not die. I pinky swear, we will have a happy Swan Queen ending with both of our girls alive, it's just gonna take a bit to get there. Warnings in this chapter- drug abuse, self harm (scars), and mentions of an eating disorder

That's how they play their relationship, like a bad game, and they haven't quite yet realized that for one of them to win, the other has to lose. Regina pretends to be alright and Emma pretends to believe her.

They date for three and a half months. In that time, there's countless bus trips, weekend visits, overnight stays, and sweet morning goodbyes.

In that time, Regina gets worse. Not all at once, it's a gradual process, the methodical falling apart. She lives in a space suspended in immense, heavy, breathtaking pain, and she dismantles herself in a way so gracefully that distracts from the actual falling.

First, Emma feigns oblivion, and when that fails, she falters.

Which isn't to say that the blonde doesn't have flaws of her own. Or that she is entirely passive in watching the brunette's breaking apart.

Like the night they were sitting in Emma's dorm room, Regina crisscross on the desk chair, and Emma stretched out on the floor.

Emma shuts her calculus book in frustration, having stared at trig subs for a moment too long.

"I don't even know why I have to take math, I'm a lit major!" She whines loudly.

Regina just rolls her eyes, "Distribution requirements are a bitch." She sympathizes.

"Calculus gives me migraines, have you got any aspirin?"

"Of course."

Regina reaches into her bookbag leaning against a desk leg and fishes out a bottle, lobbing it easily to the blonde. Emma gratefully shakes out two pills and swallows them dry.

"Thank you, so much." Emma says before tossing the bottle back.

Regina merely smiles before shaking some pills out into her hand as well.

From her spot sitting on the floor, Emma can't see how many small burgundy capsules Regina has poured for herself, but it sounds to be at least four.

Regina drops the pills with stomach churning ease into her mouth and follows them with a large gulp from her water bottle.

Emma counts to ten in her head, then twenty, "Econ giving you a migraine too?"

"Yeah, something like that."

Emma counts to ten again, then twenty with a new tactic. She stands from her spot and rummages through one of her dresser drawers before coming up with two granola bars, "Want a snack?"

"No, thank you dear."

"Are you sure?"

Emma has a leading tilt to her expression that pushes Regina over her already thin ledge.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing! It's just that you didn't really eat much at dinner and taking so many pills on an empty stomach might make you queasy."

Regina's eyes flash dangerously, "So many pills? Really Emma? Do you think I'm some kind of child who can't care for myself?"

"With they way you were throwing back those Advil like they were tic tacs, maybe!"

"That's rich, coming from you." Regina shoots back, gathering her things and shoving them in her bag forcefully, "I don't need a babysitter."

"That's not what I meant."

"No, I know exactly what you meant."

"Regina, just wait a second."

But it's too late. Regina's already swept from the room, leaving in her wake the eerie calm that washes over a beach after a storm, allowing the survivors to quietly take stock of this new world they've been dropped into.

.

But they have their good times as well. For as many things as they find to fight about, they find at least as many to appreciate.

Like the way Emma learns Regina's body. Slowly, mapping it like a new land to be discovered. It's a gentle process.

Emma begins it the first night they spend together when they're dating. They've already had sex, but that was a hurried affair, all short of breath, lights off, quick to satisfy.

This is different.

This careful exploration. Emma learns every inch of Regina's skin. From the elegant slope of her neck, to the soft backs of her knees. She traces her way across the smooth, flat expanse of Regina's stomach. She discovers every last freckle, and every dimple.

Sometimes, she learns Regina's bruises. They're always blooming, like a meadow in spring. Her skin becomes a canvas for the yellow and green of the healing ones just as much as for the purple and blue fresh ones. They sprout up everywhere, on Regina's hips, her thighs, her upper arms.

Once Emma had asked about them, Regina just got this sort of melancholy look in her eyes and she said, "Not all ghosts are friendly." And that was that.

But most importantly, Emma learns her scars.

They're a mixed bag. Some nicks and scratches earned by virtue of living fully for the past twenty years. But then there's the other ones.

The small white lines running parallel on Regina's hips. Emma kisses those with the utmost care.

The little crescent moons adorning the sides of Regina's hands. They track up the the edges of Regina's palms, where her hands meet the wrist. Emma pays such careful attention to those. Always rubbing her thumb gently over them when they hold hands.

There's the darker scars on her ankles, the ones that don't seem to fade like the lines on her hips do. Emma tries to ignore those.

.

Everything sort of accelerates after spring break.

They're in Regina's dorm room the weekend before, when Emma notices that Regina's suitcase is out and halfway packed.

"Going somewhere?"

"My sister's engagement party."

Emma knew that it shouldn't be a surprise by this point, that nothing should really be a surprise with Regina anymore. But she's still taken off balance, "I didn't know you had a sister."

"Yeah, Zelena. She's a few years older than me."

That's all the information that Regina offers, and Emma figures that it's all she's going to get for now. And she's right, the subject is dropped and Regina doesn't show up to Emma's dorm the next weekend.

But she does the weekend after. She doesn't even bother calling or texting Emma first. Just knocks on the door and barges in once Emma opens it. She's wearing this pretty dark blue dress with her hair perfectly coiffed, and Emma knows that she must have _just_ gotten back from the trip.

Emma watches from the doorway as Regina goes to her bed, and rummages beneath it for a moment, shoving aside the boxes, shoes, and stray books, until she emerges victoriously with a bottle. Regina unscrews the top of the vodka (Emma has an upperclassman who keeps her relatively well stocked in the alcohol department) and takes a healthy swig.

"I take it the engagement party went well?" Emma asks, closing her door.

"Quite." Regina agrees sarcastically, drinking deeply once more, involuntarily wincing at the burn.

"So do you want to talk about it?"

"No." Regina puts the cap back on the bottle, and replaces it on the floor next to Emma's bed. She reaches behind her to unzip the dress, letting it fall to the floor before stepping out of it.

"Regina-"

"I need you to fuck me, Emma." The brunette commands.

Emma waits for only a second before complying. When she lays Regina down on her dorm bed, she ignores the way Regina clenches her eyes shut. She ignores how the woman's hip bones are even more prominent than they were before she left.

She can't ignore the way that Regina tugs her hair when she tries to press a kiss to the parallel scars running across Regina's hips.

"Please, Emma. Just-" Regina's voice trembles on the last word.

So Emma does as she's asked. She keeps it together until Regina falls apart. When she does, she holds Regina, secure like she's never held her before.

Emma waits. She counts to ten, then twenty. And then she just keeps counting until Regina falls asleep. Only then does Emma let herself cry, silent tears that track down her cheeks and get lost in the mess of Regina's hair.

"I love you." She whispers, "I'm sorry."

Emma doesn't yet know what she's apologizing for, much less if she's apologizing to Regina or herself. But that doesn't quite matter. All that seems to matter is that she can't fix this, Emma is twenty, and she is so very afraid.

She's afraid of ghosts that leave marks, and those which don't. She's afraid and there's no one here to tell her it's going to be alright.

She wouldn't believe them anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was my favorite so far to write, but it's the most painful so far to read. Usual warnings apply, I promise a happy ending will come.

But that wouldn't be their break up. No, for all the volatile nature of their relationship, their relationship would go out with a whimper rather than a bang.

There was no one _thing_ that really causes their relationship to come to a screeching halt, so much as it is a gradual process that parallels Regina's breaking down.

It is a process aided by distance (natural and created), by excuses (made and believed), and by years of deep seated self-loathing.

It happens in the spaces of Emma's pearl smooth spine Regina doesn't yet know how to language herself into in order to fill the hollows the blonde carved for her.

It happens in the day Emma decides to surprise Regina by showing up a day early because her Friday class got cancelled. She waits, leaning against the wall outside of Regina's dorm room, for the brunette to return from her student government meeting. When she does, it's with the regal ferocity that seems only obtainable by Regina and certain tropical storms.

Kathryn is hot on her heels with an expression halfway between fury and despair.

Emma only catches the tail of their conversation as Regina sweeps to her door and shoves her key into the lock with far more force than necessary, "-can't keep doing this, Regina."

The brunette merely scoffs before stepping into her room. Both blondes trail her inside where they watch Regina drop her bag onto her bed.

Kathryn gives Emma a meaningful look so she takes that as her cue to try and calm Hurricane Mills, "My Classics professor has food poisoning so I thought I would come up early and we could catch a movie or something." Emma offers carefully.

"I can't." Regina bites, moving to her dresser, though her steps are obscenely graceful, there's a haunted look in Regina's eyes that makes Emma sure that her girlfriend is being chased. If the pursuers are real or imagined is yet to be determined.

"We can just stay in."

"No, Emma." The brunette tries again, "I just can't."

Regina's struggling to get the words out in a way that Emma's never seen her do before, but Kathyrn seems to be much more accustomed to this complication. She watches with a critical gaze as Regina yanks some clothes out of her dresser, and slides her jeans down her legs with shaking hands. Not giving a second thought to her still open door, or the audience of blondes watching her change.

"You aren't seriously going to exercise right now, are you?" Kathryn asks with a hard edge to her voice.

Running shorts on, Regina looks at her best friend with the most desperate expression Emma's ever seen on the normally strong brunette's face, "I need to."

Regina is vibrating with a sort of nervous energy that Emma's never seen coming off of her before, and she's convinced that the brunette may spontaneously combust, "This is ridiculous, will you just talk with me for a minute?" Kathryn asks.

"I can't Kat." Regina says, she has her sweater off over her head, and a cut up t-shirt replacing it in seconds, yanking her trainers on in the next moment, "I'm sorry." She says before pushing between the blondes, not waiting to get out of the dorm building before beginning her run. She jogs down the hallway and disappears from view, leaving Emma and Kathryn standing alone together.

Kathryn curses, kicks the shitty beatup wood door before asking Emma to text her when Regina returns to the dorm.

When Emma is left completely alone in Regina's room, she calls home.

Asks her father for advice. He tells her she needs to take care of herself before she can try and take care of someone else, that she isn't Atlas, she can't hold the heavens on her shoulders to keep them crashing against the earth. He isn't a writer, but he taught Emma to live off words ever since she was old enough to understand. Her mother takes the phone and tells her to end it, she never liked the sound of Regina to begin with.

.

Regina doesn't return to her room for two hours, and when she finally does, she's absolutely dripping with sweat. She takes off her t-shirt, barely nodding in greeting to Emma, and using the material to wipe her face and neck.

Emma can see every one of Regina's ribs standing out against her skin, straining. Emma thinks of the lecture on Postmodernism that she attended a few weeks ago, she thinks of deconstructing and the absence of absolute truth. She wonders, if not truth, what she would find in the spaces between Regina's skeleton ribs.

She knows the spaces between her own have been filed with such an acute ache since that night at the party when she saw Regina, pupils blown, strung out on (what she would later learn was) Melatonin. And she is so very scared, because Emma is twenty years old, and where she grew up, the worst thing that could happen to you was sunburn from the harsh Arizona summers. She doesn't know if there's even an aloe strong enough to relieve Regina of her hurt, but she's positive that if there was, she doesn't have it.

She thinks of scalpels, how they always yield the truth. She wants to tell Regina these things as the brunette stands for a moment, still breathing hard from her run.

She doesn't.

What Emma says is, "I can't do this."

What Emma means is 'I can't do this with _you_.'

She says, "This hurts too much."

What she means is ' _you_ are hurting me too much.'

She wants to say 'I used to think everything would get better if I didn't do anything, if I just waited and gave you time.'

Emma is two years into a degree in Literature, and for the life of her, she can't come up with the words to say 'you're broken and I'm just not enough to put you back together. I wasn't even enough to stop you from tearing yourself apart in the first place.'

But she doesn't need those words.

Regina can read it in the forests of her eyes because they're the same green of the trees she used to camp in with her father, they're the same green of the grass that pillowed his head after he collapsed at her 10th birthday party. The tears clumping Emma's fine blonde lashes, are the same rain drops that clung with reckless abandon to the black varnish of her father's coffin when they lowered him down a week later.

She's come to learn the colors of abandonment, and even though she knows that she's built this house herself (out of the brown wood of her own mahogany skin and the red clay roof tiles of her lips, locking the doors and nailing the windows shut with the stiff rod of her 'Mill's Family' steel spine) the red rimming Emma's wet eyes doesn't hurt any less because it's the exact same red of the flames as she strikes a match, and burns her house to the ground.

Regina doesn't cry.

She stands up straighter, dabs her neck one more time with her t-shirt, and nods.

"Then go."

"I don't want to." Emma admits.

"Then what the hell do you want?" Regina's question is a mere whisper.

"I don't know."

"You can't do this, and you can't leave." The brunette shakes her head, "You need to choose."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, just go."

Emma steps up, places one soft hand on Regina's chin, and kisses her for the last time. Regina tastes like salt, and regret, somehow it's both completely different, and exactly like the first time in that cab leaving the club.

Regina lets, her trying to commit everything to memory, the subtle smell of Emma's lavender body soap, the way her stray curls brush Regina's cheek, the taste of Emma's melon lip balm. She kisses Regina so reverently, like the holy thing Regina's never been able to believe she was.

When Emma breaks the kiss, she does as she's told, walking around the brunette to the doorway. There she pauses, takes one last look at Regina, her skin still shining in the dim light of the dorm room, her blue sports bra at least three shades darker than when she left for her run. Regina's slumped over slightly, her shoulders bowing in on herself, and Emma can see every one of her vertebrae sticking out. Each one a birthday candle, blown out, but no wishes have come true.

Emma wants so desperately to save her, to bend her spine out of a question mark and lay her bare, strip away her sadness, and cure her aching bones. But Emma is twenty, and she is so very afraid.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual warnings apply, thank you for your continued reading.

_'Well I have brittle bones it seems_

_I bite my tongue and torch my dreams'_

_..._

That summer, between Regina's sophomore and junior year, she works. Every day. First as an intern with the political campaign of a man running for mayor in a small town near campus, then at a summer camp in Pennsylvania.

Mainly, she avoids going home like the plague.

She gets worse at the camp. She meets a girl named Tina. She's pretty and blonde and not quite as tall as Emma is, but if Regina closes her eyes tight enough, and bites her lip until she tastes blood, she can almost pretend that she isn't sleeping with a ghost.

It's easier at camp for her to indulge in her self destructive tendencies. She can skip meals without anyone really noticing, she volunteers to be on 'trail watch' so she can go running through the woods without anyone giving her a sideways look.

If Tina notices the way that Regina's ribs stick out more harshly against her skin, or the way that her elbows stab more clearly through, she doesn't say anything.

But Regina does get better. There's something about spending the entire day surrounded by kids which has the inexplicable ability to lift her spirits. Regina gets assigned to the youngest age group of campers (the six through nine year olds), and they absolutely love her.

There's one little girl in particular, her name is Jane, and she's in Regina's cabin during the second session.

She always insists on walking next to Regina when the counselor takes them from one activity to the next, she sits next to Regina in the chow hall (when Regina stays through a meal).

Regina doesn't think much of it.

At least not until a week into the second session. It's dinner on a Thursday and Regina is eating an apple. She's at a table with mostly counselors and a few small campers, Jane is among them, sitting at Regina's elbow. The table falls into a quiet after Tina had teased a lifeguard named Peter for falling in the lake.

The blonde counselor looks at the little girl sitting beside Regina, and her eyes narrowed slightly, "Is that all you're eating, sweetie?" Tina asks.

Regina looks beside her at the salad on Jane's plate.

The small brunette shifts a bit under the eyes of the counselors, "I'm not that hungry." She says quietly.

Tina turns her hard gaze on Regina, raising an eyebrow. The subject drops for the moment and is not revisited until bed check later that evening. It's half an hour after Regina and the other counselor in her cabin sent their kids to bed, and Regina is walking down the line of bunk beds, making sure that all the girls are where they should be.

She just made it to the end of the row when she hears a small whine. Regina follows the noise to the top bunk of a set just to her right. She knows that it's where Jane sleeps. Regina steps up to where she can see the mess of brunette hair protruding over the covers, "Jane, dear, are you alright?" She whispers.

Regina can see her nodding her head in the dark, but she knows better, "Do you have a headache?"

"No."

"Is it a tummy ache?"

"Yeah."

Regina thinks back to dinner, and feels a pang in her chest, "Come here." She says, holding her arms up. Jane scoots to the edge of her bunk and allows Regina to pick her up, settling the small girl on her hip.

She carries the girl out of the campers' bedroom and through the main room of their cabin where the other counselor is sitting and reading.

"Jane has a bit of a tummy ache so we're going to run out to the mess hall real quick." Regina explains.

The walk to the chow hall is a short one, and Regina carries Jane the whole way. She thinks of how everyone has their cross to bear, and if hers could be as light as a six year old girl, she supposed she could stand straighter against the strain.

The chow hall is supposed to be locked seeing as it's after hours, but the kitchen staff rarely does what they're 'supposed to' do.

Regina puts Jane down on one of the counters in the kitchen and sets about making the girl a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

She doesn't say anything until the sandwich is made and she hands the food to the girl.

"So why didn't you eat more at dinner?" Regina asks.

"I wasn't hungry then." Jane says in a small voice.

"Jane."

"Well you don't eat a lot at dinner." The girl says quietly, looking at her feet swinging off the edge of the counter, "And I want to be like you."

That breaks Regina's heart, "Why?"

"Because you're pretty."

Regina takes a second, leaning against the counter next to the small girl. She presses her thumb nail into the soft skin of the outside of her opposite palm by her wrist.

After a moment, she stands in front of Jane, puts her hands on the girl's knees.

"Listen, Jane." Regina begins, taking a deep steadying breath, "There's a lot more to life than just being pretty. You are smart, and you are kind, and you're too young to worry about being pretty."

"But when I'm older like you I can worry about it?" Jane asks through a mouthful of sandwich.

Regina rubs a tired hand over her brow, "You can, but you shouldn't."

"But you do."

Regina doesn't know the words yet for how to explain it, she couldn't explain to Emma, she doesn't know how in the hell she's going to try and break it down for a six year old. Right now words like 'stable' are abstract concepts applied to molecules when they're not going to combust. They aren't words that Regina knows how to achieve.

So rather than try and explain to this small girl how sometimes the world it spinning too close, too fast, Regina nods, "Yeah Jane, I do. But I'm not strong like you are."

Jane smiles, like its the best compliment she's ever received and Regina knows that somewhere, a pudgy little girl with a mess of brown hair and glasses who never quite measured up to her older sister is quite proud of Regina.

After Regina walks the girl back to their cabin that night, tucks her in, she tells the other counselor she's living with that she needs to do something. She offers no further explanation as she walks out of the cabin and across the wide lane that all the cabins are built on.

Regina stops at the final structure, pounds on the door and counts to thirty in her head before she hears the lock click and the door slide open.

Tina stands there, disheveled with a question forming on her thin lips. Before she can get it out, those lips are covered by Regina's. The cabin is blissfully empty seeing as the camp is slightly over staffed and Tina doesn't have campers this session. There's no interruptions as they stumble back towards the counselor's tiny, closet sized room, leaving a trail of clothes as they go.

.

Jane's session ends the next week and she goes home along with all of the other campers, making room for the next wave of kids.

Regina doesn't stop.

...

_'Have a little voice to speak with_

_And a mind of thoughts and secrecy'_

.

Emma works over the summer too.

She spends every day at a community center near her neighborhood, helping teach workshops for the local youth. In the evenings, she volunteers at the hospital. She's never had an interest in being a doctor or anything like that, but it's something she's done for as long as she can remember, and she loves it.

She stays at home with her parents, letting the Arizona sun bring back her summer freckles and brighten her hair. She catches up with old friends from high school, and she tries not to think about Regina.

Sometimes, she talks to Kathryn, the two of them getting along quite well, and having bonded over the few months that Emma had dated Regina. She gathers that the brunette is working at a camp. She learns that she hasn't gone home since her sister's engagement party.

Emma reads, almost constantly. She reads everything she can gets her hands on.

She reads 'House of Leaves', and she thinks that maybe she understands what it's like for the world you wake up in to be completely different from the one in which you fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Embedded references are to 'Candles' by Daughter


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long one, usual warnings- but taken up like ten notches. Also, there's a flashback in here so don't get too confused ;)

_'Back and forth and on again_

_Leaving pieces of your skin I_

_Have yet to kiss'_

.

School starts and Kathryn thinks she knows everything. She's a biochem major (on the track for pre-med) so in reality she does know most things- only the things she knows have little practical application outside of the lab for now.

On the first day of school, after Kathryn moves into her pretty new single dorm at the end of the hall (she's an RA for the floor below the one Regina is also an RA on) she makes a list of everything she knows.

It goes like this:

_\- DNA has a phosphate backbone which provides its structure_

_\- Regina Mills is my best friend_

_\- I am dating a boy named Frederick who is studying pre- law_

_\- Regina is noticeably thinner than she was at the end of last year_

_\- Emma does not want to talk about Regina_

_\- babies are born with a soft spot in their skull so their head can compress safely during birth_

_\- this year is going to be a good year._

By the end of the semester, she would write a new list. But that hasn't happened yet, because it's the first day of school and campus is shiny and new again with a fresh batch of round eyed freshmen living away from home for the first time.

Whenever Kathryn tries to talk to Regina about her summer, she avoids the questions.

.

Regina gets worse before she gets better.

Two weeks into school, Kathryn is sitting in a hospital waiting room. She's been in hospitals plenty of times before between volunteering when she was in high school and the trips her pre- Med society would make, so it's nothing new.

She's sitting in a hospital waiting room wearing leggings and an oversized 'Dartmouth Lacrosse' sweater that she's stolen from Frederick. But he's not with her.

She's sitting alone at two in the morning in a hospital waiting room and she fishes through her purse for something to write on.

Kathryn comes up with an old receipt and a pen she has stolen from the campus admission office. She writes a list of everything she knows now, it looks like this:

_\- Aspirin is a blood thinner_

_\- it's incredibly difficult to overdose on a blood thinner because if you take too many you'll just throw them up_

_\- your brain uses 20% of the oxygen in your blood stream though it's only 2% of your body mass_

_\- the symptoms of a failed overdose and alcohol poisoning are pretty similar, and they pump your stomach either way_

_\- if you cry, the nurses won't question you_

_\- Regina wanted to die_

_\- I can't imagine a world without her in it_

When she finishes her list. She can't stop staring at it. After a moment, with a shaky hand, she crosses out the penultimate line and rewrites it. Now, it looks like this:

_\- Regina wants to die._

A doctor comes out, and says she can go to see Regina now. When she does, the brunette is awake. Fluids dripping steadily into her arm through an IV, Kathryn knows this is to prevent dehydration.

Regina doesn't want to look at Kathryn, and Kathryn doesn't care.

"I told them you drank too much, that it was alcohol poisoning." The blonde begins as she comes to stand next to her friend, "I knew you would be pissed if they sent you to the psych ward."

They both know that the psych ward means suicide watch, they both also know that a blemish like that could ruin Regina's future one day. Regina doesn't say anything, just stares at the spot in the crook of her arm where the IV is protruding.

"I guess when they did a blood alcohol test it was high enough for it to be believable."

Kathryn sits down in the chair beside the brunette's bed. It's hard and uncomfortable.

They both don't say anything for a short while.

"I think that, maybe, I need to get some help." Regina finally says twisting her hands in her lap. She's pinching the skin at the side of her thumb. Kathryn watches her reopen old scars and she thinks of decinque wounds, opening along suture lines.

"I think that's wonderful." Kathryn says, she can feel tears escaping her eyes already. She stands quickly, englufs Regina in one of the tightest hug she's ever given the brunette, "I love you." She promises into Regina's slightly mussed up hair.

Because Regina's always struggled with that 'L' word, and because she swallowed a canister of Aspirin and half a bottle of cheap bourbon less than five hours ago, Regina just lets some of her own tears drip out, "You're not too bad yourself."

.

_'Ask me if I lied enough_

_Rips and tears remind us of_

_All we truly missed'_

.

Regina does get better, slowly. She talks to a therapist in the student health center, Kathryn walks with her to appointments every Sunday, and afterwards they go to get brunch.

Regina smiles more.

She teaches Kathryn words like 'safe foods' and 'unstable tendencies'.

She begins carrying two small pocket notebooks. In one she records her exercise, and the other, her food. Her therapist gives her small goals to work towards.

Regina gets disagnosed, she says the word with shaking lips, as if this is still an alien concept to her. As if she doesn't quite believe that there's a name and a justification to what she's feeling. She gets medication, which she resents because it isn't the right kind, then it isn't the right dosage, and Regina feels more like a lab rat than she'll ever admit.

But Kathryn is there, she is always there.

She's there one day halfway through the fall semester when Regina drags her to a softball game. It's the first time in nearly two years that Regina is the one who wants to go out, and the first time ever that it's to a school sporting event.

It's halfway into the first inning when the girls have finished most of their shared box of popcorn that Kathryn learns the real reason that Regina wanted to attend.

"See that girl with black hair playing short stop?" Regina asks, nodding in the girl's general direction.

"Yeah." Kathryn says, seeing a light blush already creeping across her friend's cheeks.

"Her name is Tara. She asked me out."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing yet."

The first batter steps up, and the women fall silent, both paying special attention to the shortstop.

Kathryn has to hand it to her, the girl is a complete nut.

The first play that she is involved in is a hard hit, directly at her. Without any hesitation, the girl catches the ball in her bare right hand, getting the batter out, and flinging it immediately to the third baseman for a double play.

The next time she gets a hand on the ball, is actually when she gets a glove on the ball. A rolling hit is about to fly by her, too quick to get behind, so Tara rips off her glove, and throws it at the ball. Kathryn laughs until she realizes how effective it was, stopping the ball so she can get to it and haul it in to their cathcher, preventing a homerun.

Tara continues playing like this, the highlight of the game being when a batter hits a high foul towards the third base side. Apparently the blonde playing third base isn't going after it hard enough because Tara overtakes her, throwing herself at the opposing team's dugout so she can catch the foul. She flips over the railing, emerging a few seconds later with a wide smile and the ball clutched proudly in her glove.

It's no surprise to Kathryn when Regina begins dating her. She's the polar opposite of the brunette, and Kathryn can hardly think of something better for her friend right now.

Regina is so much younger in these two months that she dates Tara. She smiles and she laughs freely. She gains back a little bit of the weight that she lost in the summer.

She's not a hundred percent, but she's getting there.

It's a couple of weeks before Regina actually divulges the true story of how the two of them met having told Kathryn that they had met 'around'.

"I was sitting in the Student Health Center," Regina begins, sipping her coffee- black like always, "and she comes in."

The brunette has to suppress and eye roll as she recalls the first meeting with her current girlfriend, "It's not even that good of a story."

"I'll be the judge of that, Mills." Kathryn teases, "Tell me!"

"Fine."

..

Regina absently picks at a loose thread on her purse as she shifts uncomfortably, waiting for her 9:30 session to roll around.

A tall woman with jet black hair pulled back in a high pony strides easily into the room. Her gaze lands on Regina, and she singlemindedly walks towards her and plops ungracefully beside her.

"So, are you dying or crazy?" She asks with a slightly crooked smile.

"Excuse me?"

"The offices for the medical doctors and psychiatrists all have their patients wait out here, so I'm wondering if you're crazy or dying."

Regina can't help but smile at the woman's bold move, "I'm one of the crazy ones." And even though she hasn't really said anything and even though she doesn't know this woman's name, Regina feels a flash of pride because it's been three weeks and this is the first person (aside from Kathryn) she's told about her therapy.

"Lucky." The woman jokes, "I'm dying."

Regina would later learn that 'dying' means that Tara has had four concussions in the last two years and she has to get weekly checkups to make sure she's still cleared to play,

But for now, Regina just smiles back, "Aren't we all?"

..

Tara is majoring in Physical Education, she's kind, and she's hilarious, and she's smart, but she isn't _smart_ in the same way that Regina is used to.

Because Tara grew up in Detroit, and she earned a full ride softball scholarship and she makes Regina feel like it's ok to laugh, even if nothing is going her way.

One night they're lying in Tara's apartment when she asks, "Do you believe everyone has their one person?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, like their one soul mate that they're supposed to be with."

Regina hesitates a moment before replying as honestly as she can, "I think that everyone that you date is a different 'the one' and they all have a purpose."

"So what's mine?"

Regina smiles, kissing Tara sweetly, "You're the one who taught me it's alright to be crazy."

Tara smiles back, pushes some of Regina's hair behind an ear, "Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that."

"Oh get bent!" Regina laughs, shoving the taller woman's shoulder.

.

They break up after a couple of months, it's simple and easy, and nobody gets hurt. They still talk with each other in the waiting room when Tara's concussion spot checks and Regina's therapy sessions land on the same days. And in their senior year Regina will even tutor Tara in Spanish, but that hasn't happened yet, because the fall semester is just ending and winter has come.

Kathryn writes her new list, and it looks like this:

_\- I love Frederick_

_\- Regina Mills is my best friend_

_\- the brain itself cannot physically feel pain because it has no pain receptors_

_\- Regina is trying very hard to stay_

_\- Against all reason, I'm not sure the world would keep spinning if she were not on it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Embedded references are in italics and underlined, they're from 'Slow Dance on Broken Glass' by The Careful Ones which you should listen to because it's beautiful


	8. Chapter 8

_'Drive on, drive on_  
_My special one_  
_Don't you stop 'til you know you're gone'_

...

A short and slightly pudgy Regina sits next to her sister on the piano bench.

"No Gina, like this." Zelena says, her spider thin fingers fly over the keys once more, demonstrating for Regina.

The fifth grader tries to mirror the action, but her fingers don't have the same natural dexterity and they stumble across the ivory keys.

None of her seems to operate on the same innate system of grace her sister so easily has. Zelena has always been _delicate_ in ways Regina never could be. Tall and thin, all wispy limbs and fiery hair, Regina always knew her sister could set forests ablaze.

Zelena demonstrates one more time before wrapping an arm around her sister, "It's alright, Gina. It's a really hard piece."

"What are you two monkeys up to?" A deep voice calls from the entryway of the drawing room.

"Daddy!" Regina yells excitedly. Henry sweeps into the room dropping onto the piano bench on the other side of Regina.

"Let's hear it then Miss Mozart." He says to Zelena with a glint in his eye.

The redhead smiles widely before playing the chord progression she had been trying to teach Regina, purposefully speeding it up to impress their father. When she finishes, he rests his hands on the keys an octave lower.

He plays the progression Zelena just had with a slight variation. When he finished, Zelena puts her hands back on, and so it goes, the two battling back and forth with Regina sandwiched between them. She just sits back and enjoys the music pouring out of the shiny black grand piano, and the warmth of being surrounded by the two people she loves most.

"I'll bet you still play like you've got two left thumbs." Zelena's voice cuts through the memory and brings Regina back to the present.  
The brunette drops her hand from the top of the grand piano. As if the shiny black varnish had burned her, and it may as well have. Ever since her father's funeral she can't stand the bright, black finish, so naturally everything in her mother's house seems to be in this style.

"Maybe, do you still jump like a disabled frog?" Regina asks with a smirk.

The redhead rolls her eyes and wraps her little sister in a tight hug. She sniffs the very top of Regina's head. She smells like she always used to when they were kids.

"I missed you, kid." Zelena says when she finally lets Regina go. It's been nearly a year since they'd seen each other at the older woman's engagement party.

Regina had done everything possible to avoid coming home when her mother asked this time, and she only eventually caved when Zelena asked. She never was able to say no to her older sister.

"I missed you too." Regina says, and because Zelena's learned to read the sorrow in the skin tight pull of the corners of Regina's smile she knows that Regina's _trying_.

"Well, we had better not leave mother waiting." Zelena takes her sister's hand, "I left poor Robin alone with her for just about long enough."

Regina laughs, and when they make it to the kitchen where their mother is brewing some coffee (black varnished cabinets and white granite countertops), Cora rakes a critical gaze over her youngest daughter.

"It's about time you got here."

Regina knows that this is the closest to a greeting she'll get, and the closest to a compliment as well, because at least for now Cora hasn't criticized her appearance.

Regina mentally dusts off her 'Cora to English' dictionary as she translates her mother's sentence, 'Even your lack of punctuality is a disappointment.'

"My train got in late." Regina says by way of explanation.

"There's some leftovers in the fridge, since you missed dinner." Cora says, pulling down cups for the evening coffee she's brewed.

'Not that you should feel entitled to eat them.'

Robin shifts uncomfortably in the corner, clearly he's still unaccustomed to the tense environment that the women grew up in.

Regina remembers when she was that new. When the tension stretched between her mother's words and their true meaning was enough to snap the willow-bend of her spirit. Now she's learned.

It isn't so much that now she's stronger, but now she isn't as afraid. Regina doesn't know if she's really afraid of anything anymore.

"How is school?" Cora asks, taking the coffee into the front room, Regina and Zelena automatically know to grab the cups and follow her (eating in the kitchen is for the unmannered).

'Have you become more of a shining disappointment?'

"I still have a 4.0 GPA." Regina replies, monotone.

"That's good."

'I expected as much.'

"Any good classes?" Robin asks, sitting beside Zelena. He's so kind, Regina knew instantly the first time she met him that he was all her sister could ever hope for.

"I'm taking this philosophy class this semester that's been really great actually." Regina's eyes lighten up the smallest amount as she and Robin talk quietly about the medical implications of deontology versus teleology.

Zelena smiles as she watches her sister come into herself once again. As her lips stretch to fit around the big words she's throwing back and forth with Robin like trading cards, Zelena thinks she can catch glimpses of the fearless set of lungs her little sister used to shout with.

When they finish their coffee, Regina excuses herself for an evening run.

It's nearly ten in the evening, and she knows her therapist would chide her for taking out her emotions in such a way. But Regina _has to_ in the compulsive kind of itch scratching way since she had burned herself on the casket finish of the piano earlier.

Her run takes her past the private high school that both she and Zelena had attended. She can't help but slow to a stop, she threads her fingers through the chain link fence overlooking the track.

It was from this approximate spot that Regina had first seen her sister running track. She was just in fourth grade when her sister had joined the track team, her school had ended just after Zelena so she had walked the short distance to watch the redhead run with the rest of the team.

Zelena was a natural, flying around the black ring with so much grace, Regina was immediately awed. She repeated her routine of watching Zelena's practices for the rest of her fourth grade year.

In fifth grade, the day after their father's funeral, Cora insisted that they go to school to 'maintain a sense of normalcy'. It was the first day that Regina pulled her trainers on, laced them up, and set out of the house with fierce determination.

She never did run far that day. Or the days following.

Her exhausting long runs didn't begin until middle school. When in the second week of sixth grade Joey Mancini had written her a note and passed it to her in math class. It read- _Meet me near at basketball court after school._

She had known exactly why he wanted to meet her, and she knew that all the other girls in her class had been hoping to get that exact same note from Joey.

Regina did meet him. And when he leaned in to kiss her with practically the entire sixth grade watching, Regina tried not to grimace. He tasted like corn dogs and smelled something like a sweat sock.

That afternoon when Regina went home, she had run until her lungs burned hot enough to consume the thoughts racing through her mind. She ran until she physically couldn't think of anything aside from the burn.

Then she turned around and ran back.

She didn't get home for hours, and when she finally did, her mother took one look at her sweat stained clothes and nodded.

"You look good, Regina."

For now, the brunette pushes off of the chain link fence shooting one last look at the high jump she had been so successful in when she joined track in seventh grade.

She remembered how the middle school didn't have the equipment so her and the other jumpers went to the high school for practice. Multiple times the coach had Zelena try the high jump, figuring with her long legs and willowy grace she would be a natural, but each time the redhead knocked off the bar.

Regina remembers the harsh bite of the high jump bar against her vertebrae when she would miss.

She only participated in the sport for the one year, preferring her own workouts to the team sport, but she never forgot the bite of that bar. Sometimes when she would sneak up to the roof of her dorm room, she would imagine that if she jumped, the fall would feel something like that bite.

...

 _'Your sister and me will keep your place clean_  
_so it shines when you finally come home'_

...

Regina cannot sleep later that evening so she sneaks out of her room, down the stairs, and puts some water on to boil. She keeps a close eye on the kettle, taking it off the stove before it whistles, and pouring it into the french press, making herself decaf coffee.

She leaves it to steep while she goes to her mother's study, finds the whiskey, and carries it with her back to the kitchen.

When she returns, she is not alone.

"Can't sleep?" Robin asks with a smile.

Regina just sort of freezes in the doorway with the bottle of alcohol clenched tightly in her hands.

"I won't tell if you make me one." He offers.

Regina returns his smile and pours him a coffee with a shot of the amber liquid as well. She knew she liked him for a reason.

They don't talk at first, both lost in their thoughts, but Robin is in love with a Mills girl, so he knows how to read sadness in silence. He knows that there are days that Zelena isn't a hundred percent, and days that she gets lost in her head, but she always has her music to turn to.

Regina doesn't.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He eventually offers.

"How did you know, for sure?" Regina asks, before clarifying, "With Zelena I mean, how did you know that she was the one you wanted to be with for the rest of her life?"

It only takes him a second to come up with his response, "One day after we'd been dating for about six months, she had spent the night at my apartment." He says, a light blush coloring his cheeks, "I woke up, and she wasn't next to me. I just felt incomplete. Mind she was just in the bathroom, but I didn't know that, and I knew since then that I wanted to wake up next to her every day for the rest of my life."

Regina nods, seemingly placated with the reply.

"So what's his name?" Robin asks with an older-brotherly bump of her shoulder with his own.

"Her name." Regina corrects.

The man blushes, "I'm so sorry, Regina. I should have known, Zelena never mentioned-"

"Don't apologize, it's not a big deal."

"It is, I'm sorry."

Robin's insistence is gentle and Regina finally allows it, "I guess I never got around to telling Zelena outright. I mean she went to college when I was just in eighth grade, and she wasn't around a lot after that."

Robin understands. He remembered the holidays the redhead would resist going home so he would bring her to Vermont with his family. He can't bring himself to blame either woman.

"I won't say anything."  
"Don't worry about it." Regina says, taking a long sip of her hot drink, "I'm sure she has to know by now. And mother definitely knows."

The low bark of a laugh that Regina lets out know that there is a story that goes with that assertion that he doesn't know, and probably doesn't want to.

"So, what's her name?" He asks, a smile pinching the corner of his lips again.

"It's silly. We broke up, and I doubt she even still has feelings for me."

"You never know." Robin throws back the remainder of his coffee whiskey mix, "Your sister dumped me three different times before we got engaged."

Regina laughs, "That sounds about right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was Regina, next one will be Emma. Thank you all for your reviews and follows and favorites, let me know what you thought, and have a wonderful day!
> 
> Embedded references are to 'Sister Song' by Perfume Genius, which is an amazing band.


	9. Chapter 9

Emma Swan dates. She meets one woman named Maura, she's beautiful, and brilliant, and so very whole. Her hair is this color that Emma can never nail down, sometimes it's the lightest brown, and other days the darkest blonde, some days it's this perfect coppery red.

Emma is a just under three years into a degree on literature and she thinks that maybe if the biggest struggle for the rest of her life is trying to find the perfect word for Maura Isles' hair, then her life would be easy enough.

Maura is the kind of woman who can be entirely serious and ridiculously adorable at the same time. Like the evening just before Maura has a massive test in her anatomy course and she is powering through last minute studying. Emma is lying on her back, catching miniature marshmallows in her mouth as she threw them up through the air. Emma didn't see Maura watching her over the top of her anatomy textbook. When one particular catch went down the wrong way, and Emma had to pop up and cough violently to avoid choking on the sugary treat.

Maura rolled her eyes appreciatively before reaching across the small room and stealing the bag of marshmallows.

"You're going to choke."

"No I'm not!" Emma argues back, trying to steal back her snack.

"Then you're going to get diabetes. I've seen how you eat."

"I'll eat a carrot tomorrow, just give me the marshmallows, pretty please?" Emma half whines.

"No."

In moments, Emma is on her feet, tackling Maura back onto her bed to try and grab back the marshmallows, "Emma, I've got to study!"

"It's nearly midnight, you need to sleep and I need my marshmallows."

Maura looks at her with a stern expression, "You're going to need an insulin injection."

Emma thinks over her options for a moment, "I'll stop eating marshmallows for now, if you get some sleep for your exam."

Maura seriously considers the deal, looking at the textbook Emma had knocked over in her haste to rescue her sugary snack, before she locks eyes with the blonde once again, "Can we cuddle for a little bit?" She asks, completely deadpan.

Emma has to hold in a chuckle, "Of course."

"Deal." Maura finally concedes, clearing her bed of textbooks and marshmallows before snuggling into Emma's warm hold.

..

Marua is the kind of woman that you take home to your parents. They date for just over two months before Emma brings Maura home for part of Spring Break. Emma's parents pick them up at the airport, and they instantly love Maura. She talks to them about her pre-med classes, about her passion for the law, about how she already know she wants to be a medical examiner and give people their final chance at justice.

Emma has no doubts she will do all these things.

Maura is the kind of woman that you can't help but trust inherently. Emma's trusted her with the ghosts of not being enough. She trusts her with the guilt of failing Regina, and Maura just holds her, and promises everything will be alright. Mary Margaret only raises a slight alarm when both women sleep in Emma's childhood bedroom, but her alarm is easily dismissed with a smile from Maura. The bed is small, and when Emma kisses her girlfriend later that night, she finds the tiny bump on the inside of Maura's upper lip. The one from where she was hit by a softball when she was a kid.

Maura is the kind of woman whose scars are earned by virtue of a happy childhood. From falling out of trees, slipping on stones in a river, and not quite mastering the art of rollerskating before taking the street. Not from the ghosts that still leave marks. Bruises do not bloom like flowers across her skin, and her hips are full and soft.

They stumble bleary eyed downstairs the next morning, Maura wearing a pair of sleep shorts and a high school soccer shirt that she's stolen from Emma's closet. Both of the women's hair is sort of a hot mess, but they wear matching grins when Emma's family all offer friendly greetings.

Maura is the kind of woman that does the crossword. While Emma directs her to sit at the table, and pours them both cups of coffee, Maura asks David for the back of the entertainment section so she can complete the New York Times puzzle.

By the time that Emma sits down with the coffee, Maura has filled in one quarter of the grid. In pen.

David puts down the sports section as he and Neil watch in a slight fascination while Maura finishes the puzzle before Mary Margaret has finished making pancakes for breakfast. She doesn't have to cross out a single letter.

That evening, they all stay in, and eat dinner before playing Monopoly. It's the unofficial 'test' that Mary Margaret and David give to everyone that Emma or Neil bring home.

The five of them gather around the board, Maura and Emma have to squish on one side, though the couple doesn't mind. They are all sitting on the ground in the living room with the board game up on the coffee table. Emma has her legs stretched out while Maura is comfortably curled into her side.

The women have both recently turned twenty one, and they both have glasses of wine to match the blonde's parents, Neil (begrudgingly) is drinking orange juice.

Maura is the kind of woman who is used to showing affection. As the game begins, Emma wraps her arm around Maura's waist, pulling her in closer, and Maura rests her head on the blonde's shoulder. She doesn't blush or shy away when Emma absentmindedly runs her fingers up and down her side. She doesn't think twice about stealing a quick kiss from her girlfriend after they both end up 'in jail' at the same time and Emma makes a Thelma and Louise joke.

Maura is the kind of woman who manages effortless grace- even as she loses magnificently at Monopoly. She goes bankrupt, and spends the rest of the night cheering against Emma with a goodnatured smile.

..

Maura is the kind of woman whose emotional baggage can fit in a carryon she is easy to understand, and though she plays her emotions close to the vest, she always lets Emma know what is going on in her head. She doesn't have quicksilver moods, and her emotions don't change at the drop of a hat. The spaces between her teeth are not filled with an incurable sadness.

Three months into their relationship, and Emma still can't quite get over the ease with which she fits Maura into her life. There are no nights spent tossing and turning, wondering if the woman she wakes up beside will be real, or merely a ghost of the one she went to sleep beside.

Maura is the kind of woman who understands. Granted she may have a bit of a highly practical knowledge that can sometimes interfere with her reading of social situations, but she understands. So when Emma's phone rings around two in the morning one day near the end of their junior year, Maura watches her girlfriend's expression.

Emma's face shifts from confused to concerned, to angry, and finally settles on blank.

Emma hangs up, and stares at her phone for just a moment before finally moving, "I need to go."

She moves around her room, pulling on a sweater and gathering her keys and wallet before returning to the bed. She sits on the edge, runs a hand over Maura's cheek and kisses her softly, "I'm sorry."

Maura shakes her head, "It's alright, I'll be here when you get back."

..

She is.

When Emma walks bleary eyed into her dorm room around three in the afternoon, Maura is sitting cross legged in her desk chair wearing leggings and a large t-shirt. Her hair is in a messy bun, and she is reading from a textbook.

Emma smiles upon seeing her, "I got you some lunch." The brunette says, nodding her head at the mini fridge, which Emma opens to find her favorite Chinese takeout.

She pulls it out and drops heavily onto her bed, "God, you're perfect." She breathes, popping open the top of the carton and digging in.

Emma doesn't notice Maura drop her textbook into her bag, and she doesn't see that the shorter woman has already gathered her other belongings.

"But I'm not the right woman." Maura says softly.

Emma's eyes jump to meet the gentle brown of Maura's as she swallows her food harshly. She opens her mouth to reply, but Maura holds up a hand to quiet her.

"You still love her." There is no need to clarify who the 'her' is, and Ema knows that Maura isn't asking so much as telling.

"I'm sorry." Emma says, and she truly means it.

"I know." Maura stands, shouldering her bag, "You are an extraordinary human being, Emma Swan." She says with a kind light in her eyes, "Don't you ever forget that."


	10. Chapter 10

Emma should be afraid. She knows that logically, she should be terrified.

Her heart should be beating out of her chest, she should be running around her dorm, gathering things haphazardly, pulling on a sweater inside out. But she isn't.

She wonders momentarily if it's because Kathryn sounded so calm on the other end of the phone or maybe it's because she's been waiting for this moment for the past year so the fact that it's finally come really isn't that shocking.

Either way, Emma's hands aren't shaking as she ends the call, and drops her phone into her lap for a moment, "I need to go." She says.

Maura watches as Emma moves around the room, pulls on a sweater (right way out), grabs her phone, wallet, and room key.

She sits back down on the edge of her bed for a second, and runs her fingers over the soft plane of Maura's cheek before pressing a soft kiss to her lips, "I'm sorry."

Maura recognizes the ache in Emma's eyes, and already knows that this will be the end when she smiles reassuringly, "It's alright, I'll be here when you get back."

Emma exits her dorm room and quickly makes it down to street level. She calls a cab, and when it arrives she tells the driver quite clearly, "Duke University Hospital."

He sends her a sympathetic smile and drives quickly but carefully. He knows that nobody goes to a hospital at two in the morning for a good reason.

As he drives, Emma replays the conversation she had with Kathryn. The blonde had sounded exhausted, and if Emma didn't know better, she would think almost bored as she had narrated the events of the evening.

Emma recalls the conversation in snippets, saving only the most important bits Kathryn had relayed to her; no answer, door unlocked, unconscious, empty bottles, shoved my fingers down her throat, told campus PO it was alcohol poisoning, overdose.

By the time the cab pulls up outside the hospital, Emma's lost her cold numb, and now she's furious.

Regina almost left her.

She hardly registers the cab driver telling her not to worry about the fare. Emma finds Regina's room easily enough, inside the brunette is lying in bed unconscious, Kathryn is sitting beside her.

"She hasn't woken up since I brought her in. The doctor said she was fine and that she just needed to sleep it off."

The other blonde stands to welcome her, their hug is short and tense, two people thrown together by mutual tragedy. When they part, Emma takes a moment to just regard Regina. She looks so undisturbed with only a scattering of tubes dripping fluid steadily into her veins.

Emma tries not to think about how the last time she saw Regina, she was leaving her broken in a dorm room because she didn't think she was strong enough. She can't help but drop heavily into the chair beside the one Kathryn had been occupying.

It's stiff and unforgiving, though Emma may have spent her summer in and out of the hospital volunteering, she is not yet part of the frequent flier club of rotating faces which occupy these chairs.

"I told you." Kathryn says softly, dropping back into her chair.

"What?"  
"That you shouldn't have come back."

"You were right." Emma agrees with a dry laugh, "It's too late now."

Both blondes just watch the steady rise and fall of Regina's chest for a moment. Emma has never found something so much solace in something that ought to be so predictable. But each time the air slips from Regina's lips, Emma finds herself holding her own breath until she is sure that Regina has taken in another lungful.

The worry is exhausting.

"Tell me again what happened."

Kathryn is playing with her fingers. It's more of a knotting than Regina's normal pinching, but the similarity is clear to Emma nonetheless, "One of her freshmen wanted to talk, when he knocked, she didn't answer, but the door was unlocked." Kathryn stops her knotting and lays her hand expertly over Regina's to avoid the monitor clipped onto her finger, "He found her passed out with an empty baggie."

"Like the role model every RA hopes to be." Emma isn't sure where the boldness for her sudden cynical streak is coming from, but she blames Regina (which she knows is ridiculous).

Kathryn allows her a tight grin, "Luckily, I was on the floor and I managed to get her to throw up most of the pills before campus PO got there."

"What did she take?"

"My guess is Klonopin. I told them it was alcohol poisoning."

Emma nods, staring critically at the dark circles under Regina's eyes, even unconscious she can't manage to look peaceful. It makes Emma sick.

Almost as sick as when she realizes how rehearsed Kathryn's procedure was. Emma hadn't noticed until now that they weren't in the psych ward. She knows that this cannot be Kathryn's first time here with Regina like this.

"Considering how empty the bourbon bottle was, it's probably not that far from the truth."

They're both quiet for a while, regarding this fleeting creature who so nearly left them.

"How many times has she done this?" Emma's voice is quiet, and she's almost sure that she doesn't want to hear the answer.

"She's been in therapy, I don't understand. She was doing so much better."

"Kathryn."

"This is the second time she's tried to overdose and I've brought her to the hospital."

"Kathryn." Emma says again, this time she can feel the defeat in her voice, "How many times has she tried to do _this_."

The blonde heaves a sigh, "I don't know, four that I've caught her, but I know she's tried more."

Emma has no words, she doesn't think that she will ever quite find the words for this.

"I should have gone home with her." Kathryn says, shaking her head, "She asked me to come with her because her mother is always easier to handle with company, but I had exams and I said no."

"This isn't your fault." Emma insists. She doesn't know if she wants this to be true for Kathryn's sake or her own.

They sit in silence for a while until a redhead pauses in the open doorway. Emma watches her bring a hand up to cover her mouth as her face distorts in distress. The woman visibly shrinks in on herself, tears blooming like flowers in the corners of her eyes, and though the only resemblance Emma can find between her and the brunette lying in the bed is their strong jaw lines, she knows instinctively that this woman must be Regina's sister.

Her suspicion is confirmed when Kathryn stands, "Zelena."

The older woman chokes out a sob. She takes one step inside the room before leaning back against the wall for support. She makes no move to approach Regina, and her hand never strays from covering her distraught mouth. With Zelena moved from blocking the doorway, Emma sees a tall man trail her inside, wrapping an arm around Zelena as if that can keep her from falling apart before his eyes.

Emma knows that this must be the fiance, and with the way his brows are knitted together in concern, he cares deeply for both Mills women.

Kathryn gives the redhead a quick update on Regina's status which Zelena listens to with a blank expression. The four of them remain quietly watching the rise and fall of Regina's chest while the sun rises outside of her window. It brings warm reds and oranges washing across the unconscious woman's cheeks, and Emma can almost pretend that she was flushing with life.

When Emma can stand it no longer, she leaves the room, pacing up and down the hallway with determined strides. She doesn't know how long she had been pacing, but she is sure she must be wearing a track in the linoleum. Emma only pauses when the sun was fully risen and she hears shouting coming from the direction of Regina's room.

Emma follows the voices, and pauses in the doorway.

"What in the hell were you thinking, Regina?!" Zelena shouts. Emma watches Robin wrap an arm around her to try and calm her down.

Regina is finally awake, and though her eyes are still bleary, she has a distinct look of fury on her face when she responds, "I was thinking-"

"No, you weren't fucking thinking, were you?"

The women glare at each other a moment before Robin jumps in, "Come on, Zelena. Let's take a walk."

Zelena shoots her sister one final hard look before turning from the room. Robin gives Regina's hand a quick reassuring squeeze before following her.

Emma is bewildered.

Or rather, she is amazed that she isn't entirely caught off guard by the furious encounter between the two women. Regina apparently isn't too surprised either, "Why did you call her?"

"She was in town, and she wanted to have lunch with the two of us tomorrow." Kathryn says gently, "I thought that might be difficult for her to do with you in the hospital."

Regina levels her friend with a look.

"I'm going to tell the nurse you're up. She wanted to speak with you, in case you forgot, you drank a bottle of bourbon." With that, Kathryn follows in Robin and Zelena's track out of the room.

Emma hovers uncertainly near the door. She waits until Regina locks eyes with her to move further into the room and drop into the empty seat by the brunette's bed.

"So is it your turn to berate me?"

Emma takes in the defeated look in the brunette's eyes before deflating, "I'm not going to berate you." She rubs a hand down over her face, "Honestly, I was pissed the whole way over here."

"And now?"

"I don't know."

"Why are you here?"

"I don't know."

Regina's features soften ever so slightly. She still is full of sharp corners and harsh angles, she still lives in a glass house, but maybe just for this moment she's stopped throwing stones from inside.

"What do you know?"

Emma smiles this little self deprecating smile that she's perfected over the years, "Not much." This earns her a slight quirk at the corners of Regina's lips, the same quirk that Emma used to be able to kiss into a full blown smile.

She doesn't.

"I know that you almost left me."

Regina's eyes crinkle the smallest bit, and Emma plows on, "I know it's been nearly a year since I walked away, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about you."

"Emma-"

"No, Regina, just listen. I moved on, I've been dating this woman for almost five months now, and she's amazing. She doesn't scare me like you do. I know that I could love her so easily, but I can't because she isn't you."

Emma pauses, her breath shaking slightly as she tries to reign in her emotions.

"I tried so hard to love her." She whispers, admitting defeat.

"I'm so sorry." Regina says, and finally the tears do slip out, small graceful droplets that run down Regina's cheeks before getting wiped away by Emma's thumb.

Emma doesn't think twice before she moves from her chair to sit in the bed beside Regina, holding the strong brunette tight as her tears soak through Emma's sweater.

"It's alright, everything is going to be alright."

Emma leaves later that afternoon when Zelena has returned with tears in her eyes to apologize to her sister. She shares a brief, understanding look with the fiance before she exits the room.

Emma and Maura break up that evening.

She does not call Regina, she gets a text from Kathryn that they are releasing Regina with pamphlets on Alcoholics Anonymous groups. She does not reply.

Emma climbs the fire escape of her dorm building that night. She sits on the rooftop and thinks of how the ancient peoples used to explain their existence through the constellations. How they could orient themselves through the desert just by the use of stars. She wonders if they ever realized that some stars are so far away that they've been burned out for years, but their light is still traveling through space.

She wonders how far through space Regina's light will travel, she's positive that if the brunette burned out, she would know.


	11. Chapter 11

After Regina is discharged, she returns to campus. There's only a few weeks left in the school year, and finals prove to be a welcome distraction.

Kathryn is with her, nearly constantly. She goes back to therapy, and the first session she says all of eight words.

"Hello."

The therapist smiles in greeting, Kathryn had sent her an email saying Regina was under the weather and not able to make their prior appointment, "Hello Regina, it's good to see that you're feeling better."

The brunette just sort of gives this sad smile in response, 'better' isn't quite the word that she would use to describe how she's feeling, but then again 'worse' doesn't sum it up either.

"What would you like to talk about today?"

Regina normally loves Doctor Berry, she's a sweet older woman with grey streaks mixing in with her rich brown hair. She's almost like the mothering figure that Regina never quite got to know. She never pushes too hard, and she lets Regina guide the sessions.

But today, the young woman just shrugs.

Doctor Berry allows it, sitting back in her chair to watch Regina for a moment while they sit in silence.

It takes five minutes of this before Doctor Berry shatters the quiet once more, "Does your throat still burn?"

"Excuse me?"

"From when they pumped your stomach." The older woman clarifies with a kindly smile. She's learned over the past year that sometimes Regina needs a sharp kick in the ass to get her going.

Regina doesn't respond, her eyes merely narrow in response. Doctor Berry takes this as her cue to keep going, "I had my stomach pumped once, in my youth." This earns the doctor an inquisitive eyebrow raise, "The tube hurt the worst."

Doctor Berry watches Regina's expression morph back into a guarded mask, and neither woman speaks.

"You do learn to drink smarter." The therapist says with a conspiratorial smile, "Or at least, you hope to."

Regina knows that the hospital on campus must have notified Doctor Berry of her stay, and that it was her second time for 'alcohol poisoning'.

Regina shakes her head, "I tried to overdose."

The doctor takes all of this in stride, "Are you planning on trying again?"

"No."

Doctor Berry nods, and does not push her. They sit quietly for the remainder of the hour, and when the time is up, and Doctor Berry stands, she pats the brunette gently on the back, "I'll see you next week."

Regina nods in confirmation, she gets halfway down the hall before pausing, "Thanks."

Doctor Berry smiles softly, "Take care of yourself."

…

Emma stays in touch.

She texts Regina occasionally, and they send emails. When summer rolls around, Regina stays in New Hampshire. She gets an off campus apartment, it's a shoebox with barely two windows and enough space to fit her bed and a dresser in the bedroom.

For the first month she doesn't have a bedframe and she sleeps on a matress on the floor. She pretends that the cockroaches she finds come from the outside, and tells herself cute things like 'there's no more of them' and 'the lack of air conditioning isn't too bad'.

Kathryn visits and teases her incessantly about the bad conditions. Regina continues seeing Doctor Berry, and the struggle begins again to find the right medication at the right dosage.

Regina takes a few summer courses, they're easy, and going into her senior year she's quite well prepared. She works as a TA for the head of the poly sci department in an attempt to justify her staying.

That is when she meets Jennifer. She's an artist, taking summer courses at Dartmouth as well. At first, Regina isn't sure how she hasn't met the redhead before, but it's a large school so she supposes it isn't all that surprising.

Jennifer's apartment is only five miles away from campus, it's this beautiful thing, light and airy with plenty of windows and instead of a second bedroom, she's got an art studio (which is actually an oversized closet with a window).

Regina falls in love with her so easily, it scares her.

Regina knows that Jennifer is so good for her in ways that she never knew someone could be. She grew up in somewhere called 'Freedom, New Hampshire' which is all green trees, green grass, and blue skies, it's none of the harsh concrete Regina's grown up with.

She's got two younger brothers that she skypes with every Tuesday, and she's so lovely. Regina falls in love with the soft curves of Jennifer's hips, with the way the redhead doesn't mind if her spine has to curve into a questionmark to contain Regina inside of her.

The sky is overwhelmingly bright the day that Regina shows up at Jennifer's apartment in just running shorts and a hot pink sports bra drenched through with so much sweat it's three shades darker. Jennifer smiles easily and doesn't say anything they've been dating for two months now, and she is used to these impromptu visits.

Regina can literally feel the sweat dripping from her ponytail and speckling the wood floor of the hall of the apartment complex.

Jennifer stands aside to let her in. She leaves Regina in the entryway and returns shortly after with a towel to wipe off some of the sweat clinging to Regina's tan skin. She leads the way into her small kitchen, putting one of her 'Dartmouth' shirts on a chair for Regina to pull on if she wants.

"Have you eaten today?" She asks, already pulling out a carton of eggs and a pan.

Regina shakes her head in the negative.

Jennifer makes scrambled eggs and brews coffee. She doesn't say anything about the mud caking the back of Regina's legs which has got to be bad for the Anthropologie rug stretched in the small space between the kitchen table and the wall.

Because they've been dating for two months, and because Jennifer is a runner too, she knows that the mud means that Regina's taken the long path that stretches down by the river to extend her run.

Regina never will forget their second date, standing in the hallway outside of Jennifer's apartment when the redhead invited her inside.

Regina had stood, wavering. She pinched the skin at the side of her hand, and Jennifer noticed it immediately. She reached out and took Regina's hands in hers to stop the pinching.

"I really, truly would." Regina had said, shifting her weight uncomfortably, "But I have to tell you something first."

She explained quickly in a rush of breath, she told Jennifer about seeing a therapist, about being hospitalized, about her medication that was finally working, about her relationship to food.

Jennifer never let go of Regina's hands, and when the brunette finished, she pulled Regina into a hug. She held Regina to her chest, and rubbed her back carefully, when they parted, she ran a finger gently across Regina's cheeks to catch the tears that had collected there. She promised that everything would be alright, and Regina let herself believe it.

In the end, Regina did go into Jennifer's apartment, they watched a movie and cuddled on the couch.

Jennifer understood the concept of safe foods before Regina ever really had to explain it to her.

Jennifer never complains about eating scrambled eggs and toast nearly continuously with Regina. While she's cooking, she talks about this piece she's working on, and apologizes for her hands being covered in the remains of the charcoal she's been drawing with all day.

When Regina take only two bites of the plate Jennifer sets in front of her, the redhead puts her fork down too. She takes Regina's hand, and leads her to the plush couch in the living room. It's old and worn, and there's flecks of paint all over it, and Regina doesn't protest when Jen lays down behind her. Spoons the brunette to her chest.

She says, "You're beautiful."

Regina covers her charcoal hands, and imagines the black dust staining her tan skin. It's the kind of thing Regina knows Emma would write a poem about, but Regina's never been able to make the world stop spinning in the same way Emma can.

Regina's words fall short.

...

Regina tells Emma about Jennifer over text one night. Emma responds without missing a beat.

She pretends to be happy. She still texts Regina regularly, she keeps in touch with Kathryn where she gets most of her information.

She learns about Jennifer, and she may or may not snoop on the redhead's Facebook profile. Emma wonders if Jennifer knows how Regina loves scary movies but can't watch them alone. If she knows Regina drinks vodka when she wants to forget, and bourbon when she's sad because it reminds her of her father. If she knows what the quirks of Regina's lips mean.

Emma wonders if Jennifer knows how to kiss Regina's scars.

She wonders if she ever really did, or if she had just fooled herself into believing it like when she fooled herself into believing Regina would get better on her own.


	12. Chapter 12

Regina and Jen break up a few months later when school begins again.

It's easy in the way Jennifer talks about how she's been accepted to a master's program in California with a great reputation for getting their student's work into top galleries, and Regina has her sights on Columbia Law.

The day they officially break up is in the second week of school. Jennifer kisses the brunette so softly in her bright, airy apartment, and says, "Be good to yourself, you deserve it."

Regina smiles, and returns the sentiment. She just isn't quite sure if she believes it fully.

Jennifer still sometimes sees Regina when she goes running early in the morning, and she finds herself sighing in a bit of relief each time there's no muddy evidence of long runs on the brunette's legs.

Even if she isn't in love with Regina anymore, she couldn't help herself from just loving the brunette.

…

Throughout the summer Emma dates (in that she goes on dates in a way that vaguely reminds her of Regina in the beginning of their sophomore year when they first met) and tries to move on. She doesn't sleep with brunettes, as much as she may try to convince herself, some ghosts don't lessen with time.

By the time that Regina is finally single again, Emma has two women she can consistently count on for a late night call. She's in what her best friend Ruby so affectionately refers to as her 'reserved whore' phase. ("I just mean that you're sleeping with a lot of people." "I get it Rubes." "I mean you're sleeping with like everybody, but you're not sleeping with everybody." "Ruby.") Emma and Ruby have known each other for nearly fifteen years, so Emma lets it slide.

It's sometime in the middle of September, classes are really beginning to gear up and Regina's been single for a couple of weeks. She drops gracefully into a seat across from Kathryn at the cafe near campus they frequent while the blonde is laughing into her phone.

"That's insane, no way did that really happen."

The person on the other end says something which draws another bout of laughter from Kathryn, "As fun as that sounds, I don't think your mind blowing sex life," (she intones sarcastically) "is enough to get me to switch teams."

Kathryn looks up, finally registering that Regina has arrived, "I've got to go, say hi to Regina!" Kathryn commands into the phone, holding it out for Regina to hear a confused and cracking 'Good morning, Regina' before Kathryn presses the red button to disconnect.

"So, are you ready for that Stat exam you've been complaining about?" Kathryn asks with an innocent expression, bringing her cup to her lips to hide a smirk.

"Who was that?"

Kathryn considers holding out on her friend for all of two seconds before crumbling, "Emma."

"And she was telling you all about her 'mind blowing sex life'?" Regina asks with an arched eyebrow.

"Well when you put it like that..."

"That's how you put it."

Kathryn sighed in exasperation. It's Sunday, and she knows that Regina is probably just lashing out like this because she's on edge from her morning session with Doctor Berry. All the same, the blonde can't help but prod her friend along the smallest bit, "What's it matter to you, unless of course you're jealous."

The immediate tension in Regina's jaw lets Kathryn know that she's struck a nerve. She doesn't back off, rather the blonde raises an eyebrow knowingly.

"I have no reason to be jealous." Regina intones.

Kathryn releases a sigh of annoyance, "You have every reason to be jealous, Regina, you love this girl and she's off sleeping with half of the University of New Hampshire. You have no right to be jealous because you haven't told the woman how you feel."

Regina glares, "I don't love her."

"Whatever, you know what I mean."

In moments, the brunette's icy stare melts, and Kathryn sees the sixteen year old Regina who showed up at her house in the middle of the night the first month of their junior year of high school. The girl had tears in her eyes, her hair a mess, wearing an oversized sweater and a pair of leggings- it was a sight Kathryn would never forget. They sat for hours on Kathryn's front porch while Regina cried herself and finally confided that she had given her virginity to her boyfriend of seven months. The following Monday, Kathryn saw Regina walking down the hall hand in hand with Jason, smiling as though the little episode had never happened.

The sixteen year old is still very much a part of the Regina that Kathryn sees now.

"She's moved on, and it's about time that I do as well." Regina says with an air of finality that Kathryn refuses to acknowledge.

"Honey, she's doing her best impression of your lady player phase, she's not moved on from anything."

The brunette merely shakes her head in response.

"You should at least let her know that you're still an option."

Regina scoffed, "You make it sound as though I'm some game show prize, the thing behind door number two."

"Talk to her." Kathryn commands, downing the remainder of her coffee and leaving Regina to ponder her words.

…

Regina ponders for approximately two days before breaking down and storming her way to the nearest bus stop. She broods the entire ride to UNH and by the time she gets there, she is practically fuming.

Regina storms her way up to Emma's dorm and bangs on the door with a clenched fist. It takes far longer than Regina is happy with for Emma to pull open the door. The blonde has her hair thrown up in a sloppy bun and is wearing a pair of tiny sleep shorts and an oversized shirt on backwards. Any other time and the sight would have brought a satisfied smile to Regina's face. As it is, Regina hardly registers Emma's disheveled appearance before she shoves into the small entryway of Emma's single room.

"We need to talk."

The blonde instantly scurries to get between Regina and the rest of the room, blocking the shorter woman in the entryway, "This isn't really the best time, Regina."

"I don't care, I need to-" Regina stops herself short upon fully taking in Emma's backwards shirt, her ruffled hair, "Do you love her?"

"What?"

"Do you love her, the woman you've got in there." Regina glares over Emma's shoulder at where she knows the blonde's bed is.

"This is hardly appropriate, Regina." Emma tries weakly to protest.

A hand on her shoulder stops Emma's struggle, "It's alright Em, I was just leaving."A blonde just about Emma's height with her hair cut severely at her jaw sizes Regina up from her position behind Emma.

Regina's jaw clenches at the sight of another woman touching Emma.

"I'm sorry about this." Emma says, her cheeks tinging pink.

"Don't worry, sweetheart." The blonde says, her eyes narrowing on Regina. She lightly grasps Emma's chin, turning her head and connecting their lips in a quick kiss, "Call me." She commands, leaving the dorm room with a victorious smirk.

Regina waits until the woman disappears from sight before rounding on Emma again, "Who was that?"

"A friend."

Regina snorts derisively, "A fuck buddy more like it."

"Just because you're pissed at me for some reason doesn't give you the right to barge in here and say things like that about someone you don't know the first thing about."

"I know all I need to know about her."

"Quinn is a nice girl."

Regina huffs in annoyance, "I don't care, this isn't about her!"

"Then for the love of god Regina, what is it about?"

"You!"

The both of them freeze, staring at each other across the dorm room, Emma has a bewildered expression on while Regina is still angrily glaring.

"I don't like you seeing other people."

"We aren't dating Regina."

The brunette's hard expression falters ever so slightly, "I know, it's just." She trails off.

"What?" Emma prompts, her heart beating in her throat, knowing that Regina is seconds away from finally admitting it, to Emma, to herself.

The words get peanut butter stuck, attaching her tongue to the roof of her mouth where it is rendered immobile.

Regina wants to say 'I love you' she want's to say, 'I have never stopped loving you'. She wants to tell Emma 'the thought of you being with any one else makes my head spin and my stomach churn and I've spent too long throwing up the weight of my inadequacies I don't think I can bear to loose weight throwing up the remnants of my feelings for you.'

She doesn't say any of that.

She hasn't used those words in this context in so long, and never before when she's meant it this badly. Regina wants desperately to tell Emma why, to tell her that the blonde should belong to her and nobody else, that Regina wants to lay claim to her heart like Emma already has done to hers.

But voicing the words aloud would make them suddenly too real, and she isn't ready for the weight of her confession to come crashing back down on her. Settling like stones across her chest, this isn't the Crucible, but Regina can already feel the weight of being pressed into submission.

Instead of sealing her fate, Regina takes a step forwards and seals her lips to Emma's.


	13. Chapter 13

Emma and Regina begin to date again, it's expected, and achingly welcome. It's the feeling of coming home at the end of a long trip abroad. When Emma stands in Regina's doorway to pick her up for their second first date, she feels her fingers itching.

She hardly hesitates before pitching forward to greet Regina in a tight hug. The brunette feels inevitable, like the pull of gravity, like falling but knowing that you're going to land eventually.

They date slowly, like the rise and fall of a tide. Emma is still so very cautious, she isn't yet sure that the ocean isn't going to disappear if she feels it stop beating against her toes. She doesn't yet know how to trust in the tide to return to her unless she keeps chasing it along the shore.

As much as it is familiar, it's so different. In the way Regina is so very careful, she holds her arms around her middle like she's trying to keep herself together. In the way that she gives her pieces away to Emma slowly, each one monumental, and Emma cherishes them as the gifts that they are.

Their first sleepover is in their second month of dating again. It's a Friday night when Emma and Regina are cuddling on the blonde's bed, watching some crappy horror movie that they'd found. On the screen, the killer pops out, snapping the neck of an unfortunate victim, and Regina shudders back in Emma's hold.

"Shit." She curses lowly.

Emma smiles and rubs a hand up and down the brunette's arm, "Alright?"

"Yeah."

"Good." They continue watching the movie, and Emma's hand continues tracing patterns on her girlfriend's arm. She moves on, pushing Regina's hair off her neck to begin pressing kisses to the tan skin. Regina hums in appreciation, tilting her head to give Emma more access.

The blonde continues her ministrations and sneaks a hand beneath Regina's top, caressing the soft skin of her flat stomach. That prompts Regina to slip out of her hold and sit up properly.

"I'm sorry." Emma says automatically.

"Don't be, it's just-" She pauses, her speech doing the haltingly painful thing Emma's learned to associate with Regina's world spinning too quickly, "I really want to, to do this with you. I really do. But we have to talk first."

"Alright." Emma reaches over and pauses the movie on her computer, "Let's talk."

Regina swallows, nods, and begins, "I wasn't good last year. Not that I'm good now, but I'm getting there." Emma smiles reassuringly, "I was meeting with Doctor Berry, and that was helping, but then we started trying to find the right meds."

The blonde tries to hide her slight grimace, she knows from Kathryn how difficult the whole process was for Regina, and how much she struggled in those months.

"I was on Prozac for a while, but it made me gain weight." Regina says in this small voice like she's just a kid confessing to her parent, "So I stopped taking it."

"Regina."

"I need to finish." Regina says, knotting her fingers together in her lap, "I thought I could control it with diet and exercise, and if I just _tried_ harder."

Her fingers go from knotting to pinching. She tortures the skin of her right hand just above the wrist, near her thumb as she holds it tight between the nails of her left hand.

"I couldn't do it." She whispers, and from those four words, Emma can tell she's still irrationally angry with herself for not being 'strong' enough.

"Everything got worse, the anxiety, the depression," she pauses a moment, takes a deep breath, to steel herself for the next words, "the eating disorder."

Emma winces in sympathy when she sees the red bloom out from around Regina's nail where she's dug it into her skin. She reaches out, pulls the brunette's hands apart, and holds them in her own.

"It was this horrible cycle, I would get anxious, exercise to get rid of the anxiety, then I would feel so empty, I would feel depressed, and then anxious about the depression." She barked a short laugh, "It's this carousel I couldn't seem to get off of."

Emma continues stroking the brunette's hands, quietly giving her the strength to keep going, "But we've tried some new things, and I think that we've found a good thing, finally." Regina finishes with a smile.

"I just wanted that on the table before anything happens."

"I understand." Emma smiles, "You are so incredibly strong."

Regina shakes her head, and Emma merely pulls her into a comforting hug. Emma thinks of stained glass windows, how the images are so beautiful when the sun strikes them that people forget the window is made up of shards, broken bits.

…

In the following months, Emma sees a Regina she never knew existed.

This new Regina is younger. Her eyes aren't the jaded brown of someone who's seen too much. She smiles gently, like she might break if she stretches too far. On harsh winter evenings, she wears leggings with sweaters that are far too big for her. She curls up in armchairs to read long books that Emma couldn't even pretend to comprehend, and she wears a large pair of glasses with black frames.

Emma loves watching the rabbit twitch of her nose when she pushes them back up her face.

This Regina never fails to shock Emma with her surreptitiously dropped comments. Sound bites that flow so freely from the brunette's mouth and leave Emma stunned and reeling, because this Regina looks across the quad when they are walking around campus, her eyes linger on the tall parking structure, and she says, "There was a night I thought I would jump off that."

...

This new Regina smiles wickedly the night that they had gone out with some friends to a new club that had opened just off the Dartmouth campus. She takes Emma's hand in hers after they'd been dancing all night, neither of them drinking heavily, and leans in to whisper in the blonde's ear.

"Let's get out of here."

Emma doesn't argue as she trails Regina across the crowded dance floor and they catch a shuttle back to campus.

The move from shuttle bus to residence hall to dorm room to Regina's bed is a blur of frenzied movement and laughter from the two women, and Emma scarcely remembers the journey.

She'll never forget the way that this new Regina kisses her reverently when she peels off each layer of clothing between them. This new Regina kneels between her legs naked save for a black thong, with her hair an unruly mane, looking like pure sex, and asks, "Do you want this?"

Emma nods once, and Regina's smile is so far from the wicked grin she sported a mere hour earlier. She rubs her thumb over the skin on the inside of Emma's thigh before she asks quite clearly for verbal consent.

This new Regina never stops teaching Emma, and now is no exception.


	14. Chapter 14

This new Regina only hesitates a little bit before agreeing to go back to Arizona over winter break with Emma. This Regina lets Emma pack their things in one suitcase, she smiles on the way to the airport, and lets herself curl into Emma's side as the plane takes off.

When they meet Emma's parents at the airport, this new Regina looks exactly like the old Regina in the perfect smile, polite tilt of the head, appropriate greetings she offers to the Swans. The only crack in her armour is when David unabashedly hugs her in greeting and he rubs her back reassuringly, like he knows her secret, like he can see how hard she's trying.

This new Regina does perfectly, passing every test that the Swans throw at her with ease. They have a small dinner that first night, mainly just catching up and questions about safe subjects like the flight and the courses the women are taking.

Neil is (thankfully) absent as he is spending the night at a friend's house, and Emma is glad that there's one less person to overwhelm Regina. David prevents Mary Margaret from saying anything when Emma and Regina go to the blonde's bedroom at the end of the night. Emma is forever grateful, having gotten used to falling asleep listening to the steady thrum of her girlfriend's heart.

The following day, Mary Margaret and David have some last minute errands to run, leaving Emma and Regina to their own devices for breakfast. As such, Emma and Regina stumble downstairs half awake, both wearing just underwear and t-shirts that Emma had salvaged from her closet. Emma easily sets about making pancakes while Regina did the coffee.

The simplicity of the morning comforts both women to no end, and Emma can't help but stop in her pancake flipping to smile as Regina reaches into a tall cabinet for the coffee mugs.

Regina notices the staring and calls her out on it, "See something you like?"

A slow smile spreads across Emma's face as she steps forwards to invade the brunette's space, "Maybe."

She leans down to connect their lips in a soft kiss that grows needy when Regina turns them around, trapping Emma between the counter and her hips. Emma's hands easily travel down her girlfriend's back and find purchase on her ass. She uses her grip for leverage, squeezing lightly and pulling Regina closer into her with a moan.

This is how Neil finds them, having dropped his bag in the front entrance without either woman noticing his presence. He is so shocked at the sight that he walks straight into the door frame at the entrance of the kitchen with a loud thud.

His noise prompts the women to jump apart, Regina blushing a deep red while Emma merely glares in his direction. Neil is speechless as the silence stretches on between the two siblings. Emma finally breaks it with a cutting look at her brother, "Neil, this is Regina. Regina, my little brother Neil." She says, making the introduction between them.

Regina does her best to hide partially behind Emma as she smiles politely at the teen, "It's lovely to meet you, Neil."

He manages to get his jaw off the floor long enough to return the sentiment shakily.

"Do you want pancakes?" Emma asks.

"Sure." Neil replies, never taking his eyes away from the other brunette.

Emma continues flipping the breakfast, Regina shifts awkwardly for a moment, "I'll just be right back." She decides, turning and strutting quickly from the kitchen.

Once she disappears from sight, Emma turns on her brother, "Stop leering at my girlfriend."

"I wasn't leering!"

"Sure."

When Regina returns, it is with her hair pulled back neatly, and a pair of sleep shorts settled on her hips (much to Neil's disappointment). Thus began the chronicles of Neil longing after Regina.

…

This new Regina cheats blatantly at Monopoly. It's the second night of her staying with the Swans over winter break, and Neil hasn't quite recovered from his morning surprise.

Emma and Regina are sitting along one side of the board, in a scene reminiscent of the one months prior with Maura. But now, Regina sits with perfect straight back posture as she tries to strategize how to win though Emma's already building up hotels. She sips sparingly from her wine glass before coming to the conclusion that there's no way she can win with the conventional rules, so the next time it's her turn, Regina tries a new strategy.

She leans in close to Emma, cupping a hand around her ear and whispering. The rest of the Swans watch on as she makes various gestures at the board, but they can't hear the conversation between the two women. Mary Margaret sees a blush rise on her daughter's cheeks until she is bright red and Regina is smirking triumphantly.

Without another word, Emma scoops her hotels off the board, trading them back in for money which she hands over to Regina before also giving the brunette the two railroads she had collected.

David watches the exchange skeptically, "What was that?"

"We made a trade." Emma replied dismissively.

David and Mary Margaret could read between the lines of what had just gone down, but Neil was still oblivious, "But Regina didn't give you anything."

"She's going to give it to me later." Emma said quickly, "Ma, it's your turn."

Regina ends up losing to David, after which Emma tries to hustle her as quickly as possible up the stairs and to bed. When Mary Margaret and David are left alone on the main floor, the brunette turns to her husband with a frown already etching itself on her lips, "I don't like her."

"You're just mad that her properties made you go bankrupt."

"That's not it." Mary Margaret dismisses, "I don't think she's a good influence on Emma."

David sighs and sits down beside his wife, "Emma is graduating college soon. She can take care of herself, besides, it's so clear how good Emma is for Regina."

"I just don't want her to get hurt."

"It's not going to be easy, loving people like Regina never is, but our Emma is strong. I trust her."

…

The second semester wears on, and everything falls into a pattern of recognition. A push and pull dance that the two of them can handle so long as they're in it together.

Their road to graduation is hallmarked by the 'I'll order in the Lemon Thai, and you pick the movie' the 'is that my shirt that you're wearing' the 'stop kissing me, I've got to finish this paper'. They graduate, simply and unremarkably.

They're both going to be attending grad school in New York at Columbia, and the decision for them to move into an apartment together is as simple as Emma asking "Which do you value more, historic aesthetic or reliable plumbing?"one morning over breakfast.

Regina mulls the question over for a few seconds, she knows exactly what Emma is really asking her . Finally, she answers, putting Emma out of her misery, "I'll take a historic building any day."  
The blonde cracks a relieved smile, "Me too."

That's all the conversation it takes for them to decide that they'll be living together. Emily finds them a perfect shoebox of an apartment close to Columbia, right in the heart of the city.

Regina claims the window seat before Emma hardly gets through the door, in her defense, she was carrying two large boxes, and Regina had empty hands. In retaliation, Emma unloads her boxes and boxes of books, taking up nearly all the shelf space.


	15. Chapter 15

Their happy bubble bursts approximately three months after the start of their first semester in graduate school. Fall break is just under a week away when Regina arrives home after her afternoon classes and drops ungracefully onto the couch. It's an action that Emma's come to love in the past year, the complete release of inhibition when Regina allows herself to occupy as much space as possible unabashedly.

"Classes that bad?" Emma asks, walking out of the small kitchen. She picks up Regina's legs and slides onto the couch underneath them.

"No, my classes were great. My mother called when I was walking back."

"Oh." Emma says, she begins rubbing a hand up and down Regina's calf reassuringly. She knows that when Cora's involved, Regina will take any reassurance she can get.

"She wants to meet you."

"Do you want her to meet me?"

Regina takes an audible deep breath, mulling the options over in her head, "I don't want to subject you to Cora's particular brand of derision, but I really care about you." Regina still struggles with the 'L' word, but she's getting there, "I want you to properly meet Zelena and she'll be there."

"So we're going upstate?" Emma asks for clarification.

"Yeah, we're going to upstate."

Arrangements are made the next morning, and seven days later the two women are piling with their bags into Emma's bug. When they pull up outside the mansion in upstate New York, Emma has hardly the time to put her car in park and unbuckle her seat belt before she hears the unmistakable screeching of a Mills woman from the front porch.

"Gina!"

Emma slides out of the car in time to see Regina engulfed in a massive hug by her older sister. Robin ambles after her at a more reasonable pace, wrapping Emma in a brotherly hug before he and Zelena swap.

"I figured I had better get out here and give you the warm welcome before you get the third degree from Cora later." Zelena smiles at Emma. She turns and links her arm with Regina and begins dragging her forwards towards the house, "Robin, can you go ahead and grab the bags?"

"Of course, dear." Robin and Emma turn to the trunk while the Mills girls go inside.

Emma's first introduction to Cora Mills is approximately five minutes later when she walks into the mansion huffing and puffing under the weight of a bag. It's not that they had packed a lot for their weekend trip, but Emma has the duffle slung over her shoulder and the drive way was longer than she had anticipated it being.

Emma feels Cora's eyes raking over her critically. She knows her cheeks must be bright red, and she can only imagine the state her hair is in. Emma just shakes out her curls, and flashes her best smile.

Cora is cordial in the way that reminds Emma of a Stepford wife and she secretly wants to spill water on the woman just to see if it would fry her circuit boards.

Emma doesn't.

But she can practically feel the steam coming out of Cora's ears when after dinner the group settles in the living room, and Emma rests a hand on Regina's thigh. Robin has his arm around Zelena, but the small show of affection from Emma has Cora's gaze zeroing in.

Cora rattled off the usual questions at her. The 'what are you studying' the 'what are your plans' the 'how are you finding the city', and Emma responds in kind.

Everything goes as well as can possibly be expected until the middle of the second night. Emma was sound asleep until Regina shuddered awake, the violent movement waking Emma as well.

"M'kay?" Emma groggily asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Emma knows it's a lie, and she curls an arm more securely around the brunette's torso, "Was it a bad dream?"

"It wasn't that bad."

"Gina."

The shorter woman remains quiet. She rubs a hand over Emma's arm, "Really, it's alright."

"Ok." Emma finally relents, "Do you want some tea?" The blonde is already out of bed, knowing that Regina will think she's being a burden if Emma isn't already in motion.

"Sure, if you're getting some."

Emma nods and leaves the room, walking down the stairs and finding her way to the kitchen. The blonde easily navigates the space to put water on to boil and grabs two mugs out of the cabinet. She is just peeking through the pantry searching for tea bags when a voice from the entryway makes her jump.

"Regina's favorite peppermint tea is in the back, but it's a bit strong. I prefer the black chai."

Emma whips around, confronted with Cora Mills leaning against the door frame.

"Thanks." She shifts a few things around before pulling out two peppermint tea bags.

She puts them in the mugs, then turns to face Cora, having stalled for as long as humanly possible. Emma doesn't say anything, leaving it to Cora to begin the conversation.

She doesn't have to wait long, "Can't sleep?"

"Something like that." Emma replies, not quite wanting to divulge Regina's nightmares to her mother.

Cora's mouth tightens as she appraises the blonde, "How are you holding up?"

"Excuse me?"

"Caring for Regina can be exhausting."

Emma feels her eyebrow raise of its own accord, "She isn't a child."

Cora merely smirks in response, "So it would seem."

The kettle whistles and Emma pours hot water into the two mugs.

"Regina's always taken a bit more guidance, a strong hand if you will. I understand if you're not quite up for that role."

Emma prevents herself from rolling her eyes, and merely grabs the mugs to head back upstairs, "The only role Regina needs playing in her life is that of someone who loves and supports her. And that's something I'll do gladly."

With that, Emma turns and swiftly stalks back to Regina's room with the tea.

...

Two more days pass and they return back to their tiny apartment in New York soon enough. Emma is getting older now and she knows better, she has learned to believe in the inevitability of the ocean.

Their time in graduate school passses quickly with them living together simply and happily. Not to say they don't have their rough patches too, like when Emma wakes up one night in the middle of their second year of graduate school to an empty bed. She slides out of bed, looking through the whole apartment for Regina and coming up empty.

She calls the brunette twice, ending up in voicemail both times. Emma then shots off a text to Kathryn who replies that she doesn't know where Regina is either.

But Emma isn't twenty anymore, and she isn't as afraid. Emma knows Regina now, she knows her quicksilver moods, and her fickle nature. She knows how Regina feels trapped sometimes and just needs to get out.

So she waits patiently, sitting up in bed, brewing two cups of tea, and putting on some mindless sitcom. It isn't until Regina's cup of tea has gone cold that the front door finally opens.

Regina walks in completely coordinatedly, not stumbling a bit. She tosses her keys into the small bowl on the sideboard before coming to sit heavily on the couch next to Emma. The blonde doesn't say anything, just wraps an arm around Regina's shoulders.

Regina leans in closer to her girlfriend before pulling away sharply with a pained hiss.

Emma raises her eyebrow questioningly.

Without saying anything, Regina lifts her shirt, revealing a white gauze pad taped over the right side of her ribcage.

"Did you get a tattoo?"

"Yeah."

Emma nods.

They aren't twenty anymore, and Regina is so much more permanent. She isn't nearly concrete yet, but she is an oak, she's putting down roots, and Emma can believe that if she loses her way, she can still find home.

The tattoo is cursive with a line from Shakespeare's 'Midsummer Night's Dream'. Emma learns this ink like she's learned the curves of Regina's scars and the dimples of her lower back. She remembers to kiss the dark words, 'How easy is a bush supposed a bear!'

Emma learns to take this as well as all of Regina in stride.

**...**

Regina manages to avoid going home to upstate New York for nearly another year until Zelena and Robin finally set a date for their wedding. Regina brings Emma, they stay at the house (the wedding was to be held in a nearby church with the reception in the backyard of the Mill's family mansion).

Regina is a bridesmaid and Emma teases her about the purple gowns that Zelena has picked out for them. They help make up the bouquets the night before, Zelena looks beautiful in her dress, and the ceremony is perfect.

When the wedding party rushes back to the mansion, Emma does her best to help direct the caterers as they arrive, and Regina wrangles her older sister into taking the obligatory post ceremony wedding photos with Robin.

Emma and Regina dance together at the reception, and when the brunette lays her head down against Emma's shoulder, Emma knows without a doubt that she wants this for her and Regina. She wants the promise of always, even if she knows that with Regina that promise is never a guarantee.


	16. Chapter 16

They complete grad school (Regina in three years and Emma in four) and they don't move out of the city. Regina gets an entry level job in the public prosecutor's office, and Emma begins teaching on and off. She starts with a guest lecture series at a few local colleges following the release of her first book.

Emma's known that she wants to marry Regina since they were in college. Ever since she thought that she could make sure Regina never left her. But now she is older, she knows that there's nothing that can ensure Regina stays, she just wants a claim on the woman who feels as fleeting as the wind.

They move. They find a new apartment just a few blocks over. It's bigger and airy, there's plenty of windows and even a spare bedroom they use as an office. Emma's favorite part is the kitchen with white granite counters (not the color of coffin varnish) and stainless steel appliances.

Emma proposes when she gets her first actual teaching job. It's at a state school in the city, and she's only teaching freshmen seminars, but it's a start. Regina is working her way up in a way that only she can, and there's already talk of her becoming the next District Attorney.

The blonde pops the question one night when Regina comes home exhausted from a long day in court, she kicks out of her heels in the entryway, tosses her keys in the bowl on the sideboard, and drops into a chair at the bar in front of the kitchen.

Emma smiles lovingly she's learned to appreciate the safeness of Regina being messy like this. They're twenty eight now, a far cry from the foolish teens they once were, now Emma knows to pull open the refrigerator, remove the carton of eggs and some cheese, and begin scrambling.

"Long day?"

"You have no idea."

"Do you want two eggs or three?"

Regina runs a hand through her hair, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, "I think I'll just have toast."

Emma nods, even though it's been six years, and even though Regina still meets with someone every two weeks, Emma can't help but worry. She makes two eggs for Regina anyway.

When she slides them on a plate along with two pieces of toast spread with butter and strawberry jam, she can't help the words that come out of her mouth.

"Marry me."

"Excuse me?"

"You, me, white dresses, a church, the whole shebang."

Regina smiles, shaking her head, "I'm not the marrying kind."

"Please?"

Regina twists the silver simple ring she wears around her thumb. It's a nervous habit that Emma's learned to identify well, it replaced the pinching Regina used to do which has left her hands scarred.

"You remember that night, before we got back together?" Regina pauses just enough for Emma to furrow her brows in thought. She finally comes upon the memory.

"When we were on the roof?"

"Yeah." Regina smiles, she had taken Emma up on the roof of her dorm building because there was a meteor shower coming. They lay side by side in the awkward company of two people not knowing what exactly their relationship was. Twas the night after Regina had stormed over to Emma's dorm.

"Do you remember what I asked you?" Regina has this faraway look on her face that's too serious for eleven thirty on a Wednesday night.

"No, I'm pretty sure that you asked me quite a few things that night."

Regina rolls her eyes but allows Emma a small smile, "I asked, if you could do anything in the world with no consequences, what would you do?"

"I remember that." Emma smirks, "Then I said I would kiss you, and then I did."

Regina pushes the eggs around her plate, but doesn't take a bite, "You did, and you never returned the question."

Emma searches her memory, realizing that she didn't.

"What would you have said if I did ask you?"  
Regina drops her fork, "I would have said, I wanted to jump."

Emma's eyebrows furrow, "Regina, I-"

The brunette cuts her off with a raised hand, "The point is, I haven't felt like that in years. This right here, you and me, is perfect. Why do we have to get married, to prove to everyone else that we're serious about this?"

Emma doesn't know what to say in response to that. She merely bites a corner off her toast, because they're here together, Regina didn't leave her quietly in the middle of the night in a bourbon induced dream. They're both still stars, but maybe now they're settling and not staving off an explosion.

They let a few moments of comfortable silence pass before Emma tries again with a joking tilt to her voice, "You know, my mother might like you better if we were married."

Regina allows her a smile, "Well in that case, let's go to Vegas." The brunette finally takes a bite of her eggs.

Emma gives up for the night. But, Emma doesn't give up.

It takes a bit to wear Regina down, and once she finally does, it takes a while to wear her down enough to actually set a date.

…

Their wedding sneaks up on them, and before they know it Emma is standing in front of a mirror in the dressing room, looking over her flawless hair and makeup. Regina hadn't wanted the big church wedding, opting instead for a small ceremony in Arizona near Emma's parents' home.

Regina had planned most of it with considerable help from Mary Margaret, the two getting on surprisingly well throughout the whole process. Emma is just gathering herself in preparation to walk down the aisle when the door opens and Kathryn slips in.

"You look beautiful!" The other blonde exclaims.

"Thank you."

"Not quite as stunning as Regina, but a close second." Kathryn teases.

"How's she holding up?"

Kathryn smirks slightly, "She's doing about as well as can be expected. She's already considered bolting twice, and she just about bit the head off her stylist. Poor man."

"That's my Regina." They've been together for right over ten years, and Emma wouldn't expect anything less from the brunette.

Kathryn laughs, "There was a time when I didn't think I would ever see Regina make it until today."

"She's a fleeting creature."

"That's certainly one way to put it." Kathryn shakes her head, flashing back to one day in her senior year of high school.

…

_Kathryn parks on the curb outside the 'Mills Manor' as she likes to call it. It's been a rough week, mainly in that it's midterm season which doesn't bode well for anyone, but also in that it's the anniversary of Henry's death._

_Regina refused to take the day off school (like she always does). Kathryn has promised to come over so they could have a sleepover, watch crappy movies, and eat junk food to celebrate surviving midterms week._

_The blonde knocks on the door, waiting approximately ten seconds before trying the handle. It's locked, and Kathryn doesn't hesitate before going to the large potted plant on the front porch. She finds the key hidden just below the surface of the dirt, and opens the door._

_Kathryn doesn't bother and yell out to her best friend before making her way up the stairs._

_"Regina, are you picking the first movie or am I?"_

_There's no response, and Kathryn takes it in stride as she makes her way down the hall to Regina's room._

_"Gina?" She pushes open the door, dropping her backpack just inside the entryway. Kathryn doesn't see Regina for a second, and when she does, it takes her a moment to process her friend sitting on the ground._

_Regina is cross legged in the middle of the floor of her room, still in her clothes from school, tears drying on her cheeks, holding a small gun in her lap._

_"Regina, what the hell is going on?"_

_The brunette doesn't meet her best friend's eyes, "I couldn't do it."_

_Kathryn's heart breaks as she drops to her knees beside Regina. She pulls the gun from her best friend's lap, and places it as far away as she can reach. Kathryn wraps Regina in her arms, "Everything is going to be alright." She promises._

_She knows it's not something she can guarantee, they're eighteen and everything seems so close and so essential, for now Kathryn just holds Regina, and marvels in how someone so ephemeral can feel so solid._

…

Emma recognizes the faraway look on Kathryn's face, she waits for an explanation she'll never get.

"She's the strongest person I've ever met. If she wasn't, she wouldn't still be here." Kathryn says.

Emma nods, she knows that statement is incredibly true.

"Be good to her."

"I will."

The ceremony is perfect, Zelena walks Regina down the aisle to a beaming Emma. Their vows are simple, both knowing that there's no words for the journey they've gone through together over the past ten years.

Regina still struggles with the 'L' word, but at the reception when Emma puts her hands on her wife's waist for their first dance as a married couple, Regina leans close and whispers, "I love you." In Emma's ear.


	17. Chapter 17

Zelena is loud. It's a simple fact of life, and to be expected, she's a famous concert cellist with the Boston Symphony Orchestra, it's in her DNA. The vibrating of her cells is perfectly in synch with the vibrating of the music she choreographs her life to.

So it's no surprise that her entrance to the hospital room is accompanied by the squeak of helium balloons, and her own squeal of excitement at seeing the happy family for the first time.

Robin trails her with a quiet smile.

The two hardly manage to squeeze into the already full room. Emma is sitting cross legged in the bed with the thin hospital blanket pooling around her waist, her parents are squished in next to the bed, Neil and his wife are demoted to standing in the corner (his wife is named Regan and her dark brown hair looks just like Regina's used to when she had it grown out in college, Emma always teases him about never having gotten over his crush on Regina. He always blushes and tells her to 'screw off'). All five are fawning over the bassinet.

"How's my beautiful nephew doing?" Zelena coos, already leaning down over the crib beside Emma's hospital bed.

The only missing piece is Regina. David excuses himself easily, nobody is really paying attention to him anyway, all eyes are trained on the six pounds of baby. He doesn't have to walk very far to find the brunette.

She's just down the hall looking through the large window to the 'Baby Garden' where the rest of the newborns are while their parents get some rest. Her face is unreadable, though David thinks he has some idea what's going on in her head.

Hospitals still smell like regret and taste like bourbon, even though it's been years since Regina was the patient.

"I forgot how small they are." David says, standing close enough to notice that Regina's trying incredibly hard not to shake.

"They thought Henry would be a premie. He was nearly born when he only weighed four pounds."

David knows all this. He remembers the scare when Emma almost went into labor early.

"He's perfect."

Regina smiles just the tiniest bit. It's the small humorless one that David's learned to identify as the brunette having her own joke that nobody else is quite in on.

"Yeah, he is."

"Neil was perfect too." David says with a joking tilt to his voice, "We brought him home and Emma wanted to hold her baby brother. We set her up in the middle of our bed, sitting on a pillow, before we ever gave her Neil to hold." He shakes his head at the memory, "She dropped him after five seconds and the darn kid rolled right off the edge of the bed!"

Regina couldn't help but let a small laugh escape.

"I was so afraid, but kids are resilient, they bounce back."

Regina twists the bright platinum wedding ring around her finger. It catches the harsh light of the hallway, shining bright, but still not quite as brightly as the crescent moon scars just to the East of the ring on the sides of her hands.

"I don't know if I can do this."

David nods, places his hands on the railing that follows the walls.

"Emma has wanted this for so long, so I said yes. She wanted to get married, so I said yes. She wanted me to date her, so I said yes." Regina pauses, mulling over the final addition to her list, "She wanted me to stay, and I'm here."

"I just love her so much, and I don't know if I can be everything she needs me to be."

David looks at her and sees his brother. The cabinets in the Swan's kitchen are maple, warm brown with knots and swirls, and age lines, because Regina isn't the only one who sees caskets in black finished wood.

"All she needs you to be, is with her."

Regina nods, and pretends like she can see a world where this is true. David leads the way back to the hospital room where Emma is holding the baby. Regina seamlessly takes her place at her wife's elbow, smiling down at the infant who has the emerald eyes of his mother.

"Hold him?" Emma asks.

Regina knows that's not really what her wife is asking. Because it's been twelve years since they met in college, twelve years since they were nineteen and naive, nine years since they moved in together.

It's been five years since Emma asked Regina to marry her, four since Regina finally said yes, four years since they both said 'I do'.

It's been four years since Emma first brought up children, three years since Emma brought the idea up again, two years since Regina said yes on the condition that she wouldn't carry the baby (some ghosts are hereditary and hell if she would pass on this haunting to anyone else).

It's been eighteen months since they started trying, just over nine months since it finally stuck.

It's been two days since their son was born, two days since Emma insisted they name him Henry, two days since with tears in her eyes, Regina agreed, and Regina still hasn't held him.

She hesitates, even though it's been years since she was the one in the hospital bed, she still feels marked, tainted and unsafe. She can't help but think that she'll stain their son.

"Gina?"

The gentle voice brings Regina back, and all it takes is a small encouraging smile from Emma for her to break. But now it's the controlled cracking along fault lines that Regina has learned to allow now, because Emma knows how to put her back together.

She nods, and sits on the edge of the bed when Emma transfers their small boy over.

"Hello my sweet boy." Regina smiles, "I love you." She promises.

And for a moment, the staying seems easier. The weight of the world is suddenly not a crushing lump in Regina's throat, it's six pounds of a miracle that turns and nestles in closer to her.

Emma feels a few stray tears escaping the corners of her eyes, she can't bring herself to care because against all logic, Regina is still here. She didn't leave Emma quietly in the night, and she may still be so very fleeting, but Emma is learning.

They take Henry home, and fall into a routine that balances the four am crying with the nine am work. One night, the baby monitor lights up, alerting both women that the man of the house is awake and not happy about it.

Emma groans and curls tighter around her pillow, "I'll get it, just give me a minute to wake up."

Regina chuckles, "Sleep, I've got this one."

She slides out of bed and pads quietly down the hall to the nursery. Emma rolls over and falls back to sleep nearly instantly. She only wakes up twenty minutes later when a bad dream jolts her back to consciousness. She's disoriented for a moment when she hears Regina's voice, but doesn't feel the brunette in bed next to her.

Understanding came when she sees the baby monitor next to her lighting up. With a smile, Emma listens to Regina reading to their son in an attempt to make him fall back to sleep.

"Daedalus told Icarus not to fly too close to the sun because the heat would make the wax on his wings melt." Regina reads, and Emma identifies it as the book of greek myths that had been among the baby shower gifts from college friends.

"But Icarus was young and he didn't listen. He loved the feeling of freedom that came with flying."

Emma hears her wife's voice catch in her throat, "His father couldn't save him." Emma knows that Regina isn't reading from the book any longer, "Nobody could save him, he had to save himself. But he couldn't."

There's a pause before Regina continues, "But that doesn't mean he was weak."

Silence crackles over the baby monitor for a few heartbreaking moments before Emma hears a quiet, "Goodnight, my beautiful boy."

The door of their room creaks open and Regina pads across the floor to slid back into bed, Emma wraps an arm around the brunette's waist, and presses a kiss to the top of her head.

They aren't twenty anymore, Regina doesn't dream about parking garages or rooftops, she'll never stop flying towards the sun, but she's learning to swim. Emma isn't naive enough to believe that this will last forever. But for now, it is perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> That's about as light as it's going to get, everything's going down hill from here.


End file.
